“Rizzoli & Isles” Retro Subtext Recap (1.05): Way to class up the joint

Maura then goes off on a scientific rant about how the oysters threw her off and his inhaler was really to treat Phenlobularmarkpaulgosselaar, a disorder caused by Alphatherecognizablegueststarkilledmeitis. Well, that’s what I heard. Jane is just as confused by the jargon and says, “Sweetie, I’m sorry, I don’t know why you’re telling me this.” I know I’m always calling my solely platonic co-workers sweetie while touching them on the shoulder and smiling lovingly like this.

Turns out Adam was only a half brother, as his weirdly named genetic diseases prove. So Garrett didn’t think he was killing his brother, just a half-breed. The ladies confront him, show him the piece of his expensive car he used to whack him, and then no amount of money can keep the cuffs off.

Jane and Maura celebrate back at the bar. Jane comes to the table with two champagne flutes filled with beer. Maura says if they’re going to drink her beer they might as well drink it her way. So here come the bottles. Before they take their first swigs, Maura tells Jane, “Remember when you asked me why I was slumming?” (Pause, bow-chicka-bow-wow, eye sex.) “Well, now you know.” Come on, that isn’t even subtext. That’s just out there for everyone to see.

With that, Maura tries her first taste of Jane’s beer and, to no one’s surprise, she dubs it “delicious.” Then Jane teases her, “Wait until you try a spucky.” I’m pretty sure I can’t print what, exactly, I hope a spucky is. But, trust me, Maura’s face says it all.

Writer’s Note: As an apology for taking an extra week to write this recap, how about a very special macros recap of the “I Kissed a Girl” episode for next week? Since I already wrote a full recap during the regular season, this would be just to wallow in the fun and eye sex of it all. Who’s in?

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