“Rizzoli & Isles” Retro Subtext Recap (1.05): Way to class up the joint


Remember when I said the man Maura dated was very wealthy? Double that by a billion. They’re Fairfields which means besides their charming little mansion in Boston, they also have a castle in Scotland and a place on the Cape. Also, Maura’s ex Garrett Fairfield has a Spyker C8 Laviolette sportscar (starting price around $300,000) sitting in the driveway. Maura knows it is his because he has “always liked the finer things in life.” To which Jane responds, “Yeah, he liked you.” Honey, your smitten kitten is showing.

Inside things are no less posh. Oh, that old thing? That is just the original manifest from the Mayflower. The Fairfields are Boston Brahmins, among the city’s elite founders and first families. Jane starts asking questions like a good detective and Maura is put off, asking if it can wait. Suddenly, someone is feeling a little less smitten what with this special treatment for the rich and all. And then Garrett walks in and sees Maura. Jane sees him seeing Maura. Relax, Jane – college boyfriends mean nothing. Trust me.

Maura’s very wealthy college boyfriend is Zack Morris from Saved by the Bell. Sheesh, Jane, now you really don’t need to be threatened because Mark-Paul Gosselaar was an entire generation of gay girls’ totally nonthreatening straight boy crush. Speaking of threats, the Fairfield family attorney makes a none-too-veiled one to Jane and Det. Frost , telling them to back off and stop asking questions. Who wants to take a guess at how well Jane takes that? So she saunters up to Garrett and starts asking questions again, only to be told by Maura that the family will be happy to answer questions “when they’re ready” and she should “give them their space.”

No eye sex for you tonight, Maura.

In the episode’s ridiculous B-plot, Mama Rizzoli is hawking a Polynesian Anti-Aging Lychee Fruit Flush. Say that five times fast. Let’s hope this doubles back into some adorable banter between Jane and Maura because otherwise, hello, useless filler.

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