It’s just another average work day at the Boston Police Department. Det. Jane Rizzoli is looking over some evidence with a co-worker when Dr. Maura Isles walks in with a group of texting schoolgirls. At the sight of the children, Jane utters what many a non-parent gay lady utters at the sight of children. “Oh, crap.”
It’s Maura’s annual career day where totally disinterested students who would rather be at TweenBeat magazine get dragged into the police station instead to learn about the glamorous world of law enforcement. The kids are, like, so over it until they hear a shooting is in progress. Then they perk up. See this is what happens when you let kids watch those violent television programs and listen to that demon rock and roll music.
The shooting was at Boston Cambridge University, Maura’s alma mater. On the way there, Jane and Maura have to stop to pick up Mama Rizzoli who is stranded by the side of the road. She starts complaining before the car door even opens and Maura gives Jane the “Oh, honey, you owe me big time for making me deal with your mother”-look.
Once at the college, they leave mama in the car and go to survey the scene. Gosh, I hope they cracked a window. Walking across campus, Jane says she feels out of place at universities because she only went to junior college. Wow, that is such excellent processing material for these two. I mean, this could be a whole week of long, torturous conversations about each other’s feelings on educational attainment, innate intelligence and social status. Maura reassures her right away.
Maura: Jane, you know so much.Jane: So why doesn’t it feel like enough.
At the scene a young woman has been killed and the campus cops are being useless. Mama Rizzoli sneaks out of the car to take a peek and is overcome with the senselessness of it all. So Jane escorts her away. Then the victim’s best friend runs to see her body and is overcome with the senselessness of it all. So Jane escorts her away. Are we sure Jane isn’t really with the fire department because she is putting out fires all over the place.
Also, is it terrible that even though Jane is comforting a bereaved young woman, I feel like all her hugs should be for Maura only?
In the girl’s dorm room, we learn she played soccer and studied a lot from the helpful RA — or resident assistant as Det. Frost too helpfully informs Jane. Uh oh, make that two weeks of processing on this topic now.
Back at the morgue Maura and Jane flirt over the girl’s body. Hey, the dead don’t mind. And it could be worse, they could have pulled a Lip Service. This is just a little harmless eye sex, not a full-on morgueasm.
While discussing the dearly deceased student athlete on the table, they discuss what sports they played themselves. Maura did ballet and fencing. Jane played field hockey. Yes, field hockey. Yes, every lesbian watching television just snorted out loud. She says she was an “attacker” and Maura says “I’m sure you were very aggressive.” I wonder if Maura knows from experience exactly how aggressive Jane can be with a stick?
But the deceased scholar athlete wasn’t actually an athlete anymore. An injury forced her off the team and led to her $57,000-a-year scholarship being dropped. Yet she was still able to pay off her tuition in one lump sum. Det. Korsak tells Jane “that’s “a hell of a lot of money to wear a toga and do Jell-O shots.” Frost asks where he went to college and Korsak says he didn’t, but “watched Animal House a few times.” Of course, Korsak actor Bruce McGill was actually in Animal House, so nice meta moment there, Rizzoli & Isles.
Jane and Frost go back to campus to interview the ex boyfriend. His frat is having an ABC party — Anything But Clothes. Jane seems perturbed by all the nubile young things in tinfoil bikinis and paper plate miniskirts. She likes her ladies in haute couture or silky pajamas, thank you very much.
Back in Maura’s lab, Jane is surveying a sandwich and debating whether to eat it if it came from “the dead people fridge.” She decides against it, but doesn’t pass up the chance to taunt Maura with the aforementioned nubile young things she saw saying, “The sorority girls were dressed in foil.” Trying to make someone jealous, eh?
Maura knows the party, smiling the smile of someone who has worn a tinfoil bikini. Jane says she tries not to have regrets, but when she was on campus “felt like I missed out.” Well, you definitely missed out on seeing Maura in a foil two-piece. Now that is something to regret. Maura calls Jane “a bright, accomplished woman” and says “you know more about human beings than anyone I know.” Knock a week off of that processing time, because Dr. Isles is breaking it down. The loving gazes don’t hurt either.
Also, if Jane had gone to college she might have just been a L.U.G. — Lesbian Until Graduation. So by never graduating, well, you can figure that one out yourself.
Mama Rizzoli interrupts the feelings fest. She traded in her car for a behemoth of steel and, unfortunately, smoke. Something is burning in her new gas guzzler and stealth grease monkey Maura suspects it’s a “ring job.” I don’t know what that means, but I’m going to imagine it’s absolutely filthy. What? Working on cars is a dirty job.
While Jane ponders how her femmest of the femme girlfriend is out butching her with car talk, Frost comes up and says he found the victim’s secret locker. Inside she had a slinky dress, do-me heels and, um, let’s just say we now know how she paid for her $57,000 tuition.
Before Jane can test out some of the evidence in the privacy of Maura’s apartment, she goes with Mama Rizzoli to return her pimpmobile to the used car salesman. Thanks to her badge and badassery, Jane gets her mom her old car back, a new alternator and a set of floor mats. I am so taking her with me next time I need to buy a car.
Fresh off her used car lot victory, Jane goes to find Maura at the bar. Maura is waiting for her alone, tentatively eating bar nuts. Jane gives Maura the old wrong shoulder tap misdirect. It’s one of the classic flirting moves, simple yet foolproof. She seems pleased with her results.
They talk about what would have compelled a good student to turn tricks. Maura says in Europe these sorts of arrangements happen all the time. What happens in Paris, stays in Paris, I guess. Then she gets the lab results on a piece of plastic found at the scene. It’s ecronewkidsontheblockboutrosboutrosghali — or at least that’s what it sounds like to Jane. She gives Maura the “English, please” look and now it’s Maura’s turn to tease. She pauses for a delicious beat, enjoying the full attention and then tells Jane it’s plastic from a computer.
Jane rushes off to the campus computer store to see if anyone tried to get the victim’s broken laptop fixed. It was the doofy campus cop who was first on the scene, but he swears he didn’t kill her. See, flirting over the dead is one thing; stealing from the dead is entirely another.
Their next lead is one of her johns, a college professor who they find DOA in a staged suicide with the same gun used to kill the girl. So another dead end. With the girl’s memorial that night, Jane, Maura and Frost go to see if they can flush the killer out. Hey, look who is there, the really helpful RA.
Jane gets a call and learns that the gun was registered to the RA’s stepdad. And, guess what, he has three other guns registered to him, too. This guy puts the RA in NRA. Instead of being all stealthy about the fact they’re onto him, all three of them stare directly at him. Hey, I don’t care if you went to college or not, guys, that’s just Not-Being-Obvious 101.
The RA figures it out, grabs the dead girl’s BFF and takes her hostage. OK, now I feel bad about saying she shouldn’t have any Jane hugs earlier. He shoots her to get away and Maura rushes to the girl’s aid while Jane and Frost rush after the gunman. Shooting a human shield? At this rate there has been so much foreshadowing for the finale that we’re going to have to start calling it fiveshadowing.
The RA says some offensive things about whores and bitches. So then we’re extra happy when Jane shoots him. Also, for the record, when Jane Rizzoli shoots you, she really shoots you. Damn.
The BFF pulls through and Jane visits her at the hospital with flowers. Wait, now I’m starting to rethink feeling bad about the hug. Flowers are only for Maura, Jane. Also, what’s this talk of cool scars and foil bikinis and not telling her parents she is a prostitute? Is Jane flirting with the college student?
Then she tells her she arranged for her entire college tuition to be paid through her senior year — and kisses her on the head. Kisses are definitely only for Maura, Jane.
Luckily, the girl is wheeled away and Jane ends up where she belongs — home for dinner with Maura. Over takeout Jane tells Maura that she applied to Boston Cambridge University. Maura says it’s very hard to get into, to ease what she expects will be the ensuing disappointment. But Jane tells her she got in. A hottie and a smartie — Dr. Isles you totally scored. From the look on her face, she totally knows it.
Jane says she didn’t go because she knew her father would have spent his last penny to send her there, and she never told him she got in because it would have made him too sad that she didn’t go. And then when Maura asks what Jane will tell the victim’s dad, she says all he needs to know is that she loved him very much.
Maura lets out an involuntary “Awww, Jane. I think that’s really, that’s really sweet.” Someone is getting much more than just eye sex tonight.
