“Rizzoli & Isles” Retro Subtext Recap (1.02): Three strikes, you’re gay

Today’s lesson: Always floss with your back to the wall. A lady is watching the morning traffic on TV in her robe while flossing when she is attacked from behind. But no time to worry about her dental hygiene and/or breathing status because Jane Rizzoli is playing softball – yes, softball. People, have the complicated sexual politics of Elena Kagan taught us nothing?

Jane is at bat and Donnie Wahlberg is pitching. No word on whether he’s got it (the right stuff) as a pitcher. But he does seem to be giving Jane a hard time. Dr. Maura Isles is giving Jane the opposite of a hard time from the stands while dressed in some sort of skin-tight, water-resistant bodysuit. A guy in a bad tan suit comes up to tell her it fits nice, which – duh – it totally does. But she is more preoccupied with cheering on her lady.

Maura is yelling things at her like “Come on, Jane!” and “Up stroke!” and “Whoo! Whoo!” But I would never take those innocent exclamations of encouragement out of context for sweaty fantasy scenarios. Nope, not me. Never. Right, moving on. Jane pops out and Maura, who has never played softball before (really, not even in college that one time with your “roommate” after you two drank those two bottles of red wine?) cheers. Jane gives her a my-girlfriend-can-be-such-a-dork scream, which Maura mistakes for being called up to bat.

Bad tan jacket guy was not lying: that bodysuit is a nice fit. He says if she gets a hit he’ll buy her dinner, an offer Maura accepts. Gay, straight – you never turn down a free meal. Then Maura and her terrible batting stance actually make contact, sending it flying past the infield. But before she can round the bases a body is flung on the outfield.

Maura notes that our dead flossing lady had excellent dental hygiene. Hey, we all notice strange stuff sometimes. Like I notice each time Angie Harmon’s gaze goes from Sasha Alexander’s eyes to her lips. Bad tan jacket guy reminds Maura that he owes her dinner and they settle on Provencal French. Jane chastises Maura for flirting over a dead body, because only she can flirt with Maura over a dead body.

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