“Rizzoli & Isles” Retro Subtext Recap (1.01): Voulez-vous coucher avec moi ce soir?

The wife is laid out oddly and later shows signs of necrophilia (sorry, hope you already ate lunch). Jane and Maura, however, haven’t eaten lunch. So Jane helpfully offers her tuna salad to Maura. I swear to God, that isn’t a euphemism – but it should be.

Agent McBeardy interrupts their romantic fish lunch to tell them Hoyt has escaped from prison. Jane is worried, Maura is worried. Back at her apartment, Jane’s brother and Det. Frost are aggressively worried and try to convince Jane to stay someplace safer. She tells them is she was a guy they wouldn’t worry. I, for one, am glad she’s not a guy because then I wouldn’t be worried or watching at all.

Also worried is Jane’s female law student neighbor, who stops by to see if she is OK. She seems to know Jane’s vacuuming habits unusually well, though if Angie Harmon was my neighbor I’d pay close attention, too. But before neighbor girl can make her move, Mama Rizzoli arrives complaining about how since Jane became a cop she hasn’t stopped worrying about her. Jane leaves and just guess where she finds refuge?

Yep, it’s Maura’s place. She answers the door in a silky number all wind-blown and photo-shoot ready. Inside Jane meets Maura’s tortoise Bass (named after William M. Bass, the forensic anthropologist who founded The Body Farm – duh). Wait, wouldn’t Jane have met Bass already? I mean, she clearly has been to her place before. Or are tortoises adverse to the loud noises that one assumes their other encounters produced — right, sorry, I’m daydreaming again, aren’t I?

A knock at the door puzzles Jane, but Maura says it’s just someone dropping something off – in the middle of the night, while she is wearing a silky top and high heels. Who should walk in but Agent McBeardy. OK, Maura, now you’re taking this whole jealousy thing a little far. But it apparently works because Jane snoops and seems perplexed.

After he leaves, Maura crawls into bed with Jane. You know, like all straight ladies do. Jane, ever the coy one, asks her: “Are we having a sleepover or is this your way of telling me you’re attracted to me?” Oh, ladies, it is so obviously the latter.

They pretend to talk about Agent McBeardy, but then a noise startles Jane. Maura tells her it’s just Bass and soothes her with some TGTGT arm rubs. Not to be insensitive to Jane’s mortal danger and all, but I highly approve of her choice of tank top sleepwear.

The next morning, another Hoyt & Co. victim is found. (More TGTGT at the scene, too, for those keeping score at home.) While there a flower delivery for Jane arrives with a card that, again, features some terrible serial killer pick-up lines: “Prickly on the outside, succulent on the inside, just like you.” Man, someone give this guy some better material. The note is signed with an anagram for Theodore Bundy.

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