“Rizzoli & Isles” Retro Subtext Recap (1.01): Voulez-vous coucher avec moi ce soir?

Naturally, Maura and Jane have their first meaningful eye sex followed shortly by their first Totally Gratuitous, Totally Gay Touching (TGTGT, for brevity’s sake). Maura notices Jane’s broken nose, Jane asks her to pop it back into place. OK, so maybe this touching isn’t totally gratuitous. But it is definitely the first time you will scream “Kiss her!” at your TV (but definitely not the last).

Nose now back where it should be, Jane takes a closer look at the dead husband. She realizes the crime scene is a copycat of imprisoned serial killer Hoyt, also known as The Surgeon – though not the kind who uses anesthesia or upholds the Hippocratic Oath. We sense a backstory, but it’s too late because FBI Agent McBeardy (not his actual name, but his actual function) arrives flashing his badge. Maura makes an oh-la-la face, but we know it’s just to make Jane jealous.

Jane, naturally, gives Agent McBeardy attitude and complains about how the fed boys like to show up and “take the bat and the ball.” This, by the way, is the look Jane Rizzoli will give you if her girlfriend makes a flirty face at you. I hope you have a good grip on that bat, FBI boy, because Jane seems ready to pummel you with it – metaphorically, of course.

But instead of metaphorical or literal pummeling, Jane goes to visit Hoyt in prison. He gives her the worst serial killer pick-up line in history: “You smell like lavender and fear.” He also asks to see her hands, which he injured stigmata style with scalpels when they last met. Like I was saying, backstory.

Jane obliges and shows him her hands. Who else quickly did the lesbian index finger to ring finger ratio test? Is her index ringer shorter than her ring finger? If so, totally lesbian. We won’t talk about her fingernail length here and just assume she is in between proper trims.

Later the body of the wife is found and Jane arrives to find Agent McBeardy there already. She checks herself in the car mirror and puts on some lipstick. Two can play at the jealously game, eh? But that is clearly a leftover tube of Maura’s lipstick. It’s not even Jane’s color.

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