Did you feel a giant sucker punch to the entire gay rights movement last night around 10:00 Eastern Standard Time? Well, that’s because FX’s firehouse testosterone-fest, Rescue Me, was airing the episode "Lesbos."
If you’ve never seen Rescue Me, let me sum it up for you: Penis, penis, penis, fires!, penis, explosions!, penis, penis.
The first half of last night’s episode took place in a bar. Lukily, Fireman Franco conveniently exposited it for us in the first 30 seconds:
I hope you a–holes are appreciating the level of talent that’s showing up tonight. We’ve got some very smokin’ ladies here and I’d say 70 percent of them are friends of [my girlfriend], Carla. So, let’s cease and desist with the "my girlfriend’s a lesbo" talk, OK?"
See, because according to the "previous-lies," all of the other firemen think his girlfriend is gay. To wit:
Franco, first of all it’s ladies night. Second of all, look how touchy-feely they’re being with each other. That’s pretty g-dd–n gay. And if 70 percent of these chicks know your girl, there’s a pretty good chance that — technically speaking — your girlfriend’s a g-dd–n lesbian, son."
Oh, but Franco, he knows a lot about the gays.
Hey, listen: if Carla’s friends showed up and they were all a bunch of bull dykes then maybe I’d start worrying that she was gay, but that’s not the case. What we have here is a flock of very fine lipstick lesbians which means they’re hot, possibly on the fence sexually, probably willing to play both sides of the line, which means you guys could be getting the same great sex I’m getting with my alleged lesbian if you play your cards right.
So, just to recap: Conventionally attractive women who sleep with other women are basically just waiting for the right penis to come along. (How convenient! That’s what 60 percent of this show is all about: Penises!) Women who aren’t as feminine? Well, they’re probably actually gay.
Don’t believe the firemen? Well, they hammer it home with this dialogue:
To the fire chief’s wife who showed up at the bar: "Keep an eye on your vagina, because the place is lousy with lesbos."
When one fireguy tells another fireguy he won’t be able to pick up anyone in the bar tonight: "So what if they’re queer; I like a challenge."
A pick-up line: "You’re into chicks. I’m fine with that. I’m cool with that. To each his own. But I just found out that my girl, she had this chick-on-chick thing going on in the past, and I’ll be honest: it’s freaking me out a little bit."
Fireguy deciding he wants to get laid: "I’m gonna go get me one of those lesbos."
About fifteen minutes into this little homophobic rant, something crazy happens: Some lesbian-looking lesbians come into the bar like a band of Jesse James groupies at the O.K. Corral. "Baton down the hatches, put locks on the men’s room door. We got bulldykes!" one of the fireguys exclaims.
Another fireguy is all, "Who let in the bull dykes? It’s hard enough trying to make it with a lesbian. I don’t need this g-dd–n competition."
And then guess what? This is going to blow your mind! One of the "bull dykes" seduces the fire chief’s wife! ("Holy s–t! One of them just got Mrs. Needles.") Ha ha ha! Isn’t that precious? And just so true to life? Well, what happens next is even more awesome: the firemen decide to get into a fist fight with the lesbians! ("When it comes to fighting lesbos, I was born ready. You heard of Mike Tyson? I’m Dyke Tyson.")
Gosh, such a riot. I mean, by this point in the show I was just so taken with the clever, authentic writing I could barely sit still.
Anyway, there was a fight, but later we learn that the "bull dykes" paid to fix all the stuff that was broken. "They’re classy broads for broads that don’t look like broads."
And if that weren’t heroic enough, at the very end of the episode, the firemen save some people from a burning building. Sigh. Such dreamboats.
Did anyone else catch last night’s episode?