Recap Attack: “Showgirls”

This being Vegas, the Show Must Go On. But what to do? Tony smirks at the idea of a replacement. “Cristal Connors is a star; you can't just replace her.” If you can't just replace her, then why did you hold auditions for her understudy, dumbass?

They throw some names around. Janet Jackson, Paula Abdul. “Paula Abdul? In my show?” Tony says dismissively. Cristal Connors is a bigger name than Paula Abdul? Name one lead dancer in a Vegas topless review. I'll wait.

“Well in that case, we do what we do in Vegas. We gamble,” says Zack.

There's a flash-pot bang, and the foam boulders explode back on their hinges. Out of the smoke rises Nomi Malone. She finally got what she wanted, but not everyone is happy. Molly knows what Nomi did.

“You pushed her, didn't you?” Molly asks.

Nomi denies it, “No: Julie saw it.” Molly knows she's lying. You should have left her in that parking lot.

Molly shows up to the after party, even though she's mad at Nomi. She's only there because her idol, singer Andrew Carver, was invited too. Carver looks like the antichrist Michael Bolton, pre-haircut. Molly catches Carver's eye and he brings her back to a private room. Quickly, things go very wrong. Carver and his two goons violently rape Molly. Nomi has no idea what's going on as she mingles outside, enjoying the fireworks and being Zack's main ho.

At the hospital, Nomi wants to call the cops, but Carver is Zack's bud and won't have it.

“Don't do it … Polly,” he says as Nomi picks up a pay phone.

Nomi freezes. “How did you find out?”

The jig is up. Zack pulls out a manila folder and starts reading loudly: “Your father killed your mother, then killed himself. You ran away from a foster home in Oakland. Arrests: Denver, soliciting; San Jose, soliciting; Cheyenne, soliciting … ”

Nomi explains, “I did what I had to do.” She starts to cry.

Gee, and here I thought she was a Mount Holyoke girl.

Nomi keeps a bedside vigil for Molly. Her face transforms into a look of determination. Nomi has a plan.

Dressed in a matching black-and-animal-print halter top and miniskirt, she goes to see the pig, Andrew Carver. He's happy and surprised to see her. Nomi starts teasing him with her body. “Wait until you see me bottomless,” she purrs, as if someone hasn't seen her bottomless. Her nipples are really red, like she painted them on. OK, now she really looks like an inflatable party doll.

When Nomi has Carver distracted, she reaches into her skirt and pulls out her switchblade. In a flash, she‘s got the thing to his throat. “Don't make a sound, or I'll f**king kill you!”

Nomi finally finds a good use for her violent, thrashing temper. Using her stiletto boots, she kicks the snot out of Carver, slamming her boots into his face over and over. She throws in a few spinning kicks for good measure, finally putting her dancing experience to good use.

We never get even one shot of his bloody face, and I feel gypped. After he's unconscious on the floor, she strolls out past the body guards who have been sitting outside the suite door the entire time. “He wants to sleep,” she says. They snicker knowingly.

Nomi goes to the hospital to tell Molly about her act of revenge. She leans over the bed, and her boob practically falls out of her wide-open shimmery shirt. Even in times of sincerity, she's still Nomi Malone.

Before she leaves the hospital, Nomi goes to see Cristal, who's recovering from her compound hip fracture and lung dislodgement.

“Thanks and good night, ladies and gentlemen, Cristal has left the building,” Cristal says, all melancholy.

“I'm sorry,” says Nomi.

“Yeah, I know just how sorry you are. How do you think I got my first lead?” Cristal says.

Nomi turns to leave. “I gotta go.”

Cristal says, “Aren't ya gonna come here and give me a big kiss?” Well aren't ya? Nomi slowly leans in and finally, they kiss. It's a sweet one.

“Bye, darlin'” Cristal says.

I guess that's it for these two. They're never going to knock ba-donk-a-donks. I sat through this entire stinker, and that's it? That's two hours of my life I'll never get back.

Nomi stands on the side of the road with her thumb out. A truck pulls over. It's Elvis. He doesn't recognize Nomi in her sunglasses. “Did you gamble?” he asks. She smiles and takes off her glasses. “Oh f**k, it's you!” he exclaims.

She pulls out her blade. “I want my f**king suitcase!” she yells. The camera pulls back as we watch the truck moving away from us, then swings wide to reveal Nomi's Goddess billboard, and pans to a road sign. “Los Angeles—280 miles.”

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