Recap Attack: “Showgirls”


Nomi gets an offer to appear at a boat show in the casino, thanks to Cristal. At the show, she finds out the real gig is to party with some of the high rollers. “We'll go back to my place,” says the oily casino rep. Insulted they would even imagine she'd compromise her integrity, Nomi storms off, probably to throw herself on the nearest car hood.

Zack makes it all right when Nomi tells him what happened. He whips out a cell phone the size of a shoe (it's 1995, after all), and chews the casino rep out.

Showgirl mom decides she's going to get the one who made her little angels cry. She throws some beads out on the stage floor during a performance. There's a tragic accident and the dancer is out of commission. Topless dancing sure is a cutthroat world. Who knew?

A visit to the show from her old Cheetah friends gets Nomi feeling all nostalgic. “Must be weird not having anybody c** on you,” says the Cheetah's pock-faced manager. So sweet.

Zack offers Nomi a ride home, but instead they go to his place, a swanky house with a pool and neon palm trees. “You like Cristal?” she asks.

“I like a lot of different champagnes,” he replies, ignoring what she was really asking him.

Nomi strips her clothes off and jumps in Zack's pool. We get an ass shot of Zack as he joins her. They kiss under the porpoise waterfall and start to have pool sex. Nomi is thrashing around like a fish on a dock as she straddles him. You want to avert your eyes, but you just can't. Zack is enamored with Nomi, but she won't stay for breakfast; she's late for acting class.

Nomi gets the chance to audition to be Cristal's understudy. “She's got it down,” observes Tony.

“Nobody's got Cristal's heat,” says the dance captain.

“Nomi's got heat,” Zack offers.

Cristal senses something's up. “Does she now?” she says suspiciously eyeing Zack. “Nobody's going to take my lead anyway, darlin'. I haven't missed a show in eight years.”

Tony puts his arm around Cristal and says, “You're not getting any younger.”

“Eat me,” Cristal says.

Cristal's not happy either. “You f**ked her, didn't you?”

“Does that piss you off because you're jealous, Cris? Or is it because I beat you to the punch?” Zack says smugly. Nothing sucks more than having your boyfriend bed the woman you're hot for.

Cristal and Nomi have another love/hate encounter in Cristal's dressing room. They spend the whole movie giving each other smoldering looks and touching each other, but nothing ever comes of it. We're teased to no end with the promise of some real sex between Nomi and Cristal, but ultimately the film is as unsatisfying and disappointing as a bad lap dance.

James (remember him?), has a new original show that no one cares about. Nomi shows up to support him, but he's literally booed off the stage. So much for art. That's the last we see of James.

Nomi gets a letter informing her they're withdrawing the offer to be Cristal's understudy. She goes to see Zack in his office, which has cheesy wood paneling and posters of Cristal on the walls. Nomi knows Cristal's behind this. “She got her lawyers into it. She's a big star; you're not worth it,” Zack tells Nomi. And just what can her lawyers do? Can you really sue because your co-worker won't sleep with you?

The new show at the Stardust features motorcycles and a sort of S/M-meets-Cabaret-meets-Rhythm Nation theme. Nomi's wearing an outfit with cut outs, a dog-collar choker and buckles up the back. She rides a motorcycle onto the stage. There are no limits to the idiocy.

The sexual tension and professional and personal jealousies finally make Nomi snap. Exiting the stage, Nomi pushes Cristal, sending her tumbling down a flight of stairs. Cristal gets hauled away in an ambulance, neatly tucked into a stretcher.

“She's got a concussion and a compound fracture of the right hip,” reports Zack as he folds up his enormous phone. Did he say a compound fracture of the hip? Why not say a lung fell out?

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