Recap Attack: “Go Fish”

The four muses — Kia, Evy, Daria and Daria's latest pickup (some girl named Melanie who prefers to be called Mel) are lying on the floor with their heads together in a tight circle. Yeah, my friends lie around talking all the time. It's so much more comfortable than sitting on furniture.

Daria comments, “That date was a bad scene, man.”

Everyone agrees that Seattle Kate must go if Max and Ely are going to have a chance.

Kia says about Ely's situation, “I can't believe they're still going out together. It's a perfect example of how lesbians never break up.” Finally someone said it out loud.

How do they know the details about the date? Either they're spying on Max and Ely or Troche and Turner are using them as ersatz muses. Let's say they're muses. Kia is the muse I'll call Gyno; Evy can be Labia since it sounds medical and she's a nurse or something; Daria the slut is Playto; and her pickup date is Last Calliope.

You tricked me — Back in real time, Max calls shenanigans on Kia's movie date trick. Kia (any chance her last name is Sonata?) 'fesses up and says, “OK, maybe I thought after you got past your shallow fashion requirements, you might find Ely interesting.”

Max gives Kia a list of reasons why she'll never be attracted to Ely: “She dresses like my mom did in the '70s; she has a hundred different kinds of tea, all decaf; she liked that stupid movie; and last and most importantly, she's married.”

Max tells Kia that Ely has no reason she can't move to Seattle , and she never said the word “love” so maybe there really isn't a relationship there. Kia also wonders if Ely and Daria are hooking up, since they live together. Max says, yuck, Daria's a ho.

Kia replies, “You leave Daria alone. What would you rather our collective lesbian image be: hot, passionate, say-yes-to-sex dykes, or touchy-feely, soft-focus sisters of the woodlands?” Kia rocks.

Max is exasperated. “Why is it always like this? I just want to find a girlfriend and have there be no catches, no glitches, no booby traps …” Ha. Did she become a lesbian yesterday?

Drama is fun, as long as it's not your own — Muses Gyno (Kia), Labia (Evy), Playto (Daria) and Last Calliope (now played by a new chick named Samantha) are lying on the floor analyzing the Max and Ely sitch.

Gyno's bummed it doesn't look like there's going to be a love connection. Playto says, “Ely's just this way. She has to get really down before she'll do something radical with her life. I've seen it before.” She then offers to fix the situation by dating Max herself.

Gyno thinks Max has an ideal girlfriend in her head that resembles “hip-hop Barbie” and will never find what she's looking for.

Geek makeover — Ely does something radical all right: She gets almost all her hair shaved off. So now instead of looking like a fidgety, no-alibi woman, she looks like a fidgety, no-alibi dude. I laugh out loud. My girlfriend looks up from her book (she refuses to watch this with me) and says, “She looks like Beetle Bailey.”

Do I know you? — Days pass. Max is eyeing Ely in a book store, but she's not sure it's her because of Ely's new Ft. Bragg doo (and yes, I mean doo as in doo-doo). Finally, Max moves in as Ely peruses the latest edition of Tea Lovers Weekly and says, “Hey, I thought that was you.”

Max thinks Ely's hair is a bold gender-bender. Ely says she wasn't trying to look more butch but “someone” said she looked like a hippie, and that was the last straw. Max admits when she wants to cut her hair because it's getting long, she worries people will think she's doing it to “look more like a real dyke.”

Max's standard outfit consists of a backwards baseball cap, a boy's T-shirt and long shorts. She looks like Leave it to Beaver. All she's missing is a slingshot in her back pocket. Somehow, I don't think the length of her hair is the tip-off that she's gay.

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