More drama — When Loretta finally gets home (presumably after driving around to techno music all night, occasionally getting out to dance on the hood of her convertible), there’s a Jeep parked in the driveway and a J.R. parked in the living room chair.
Loretta: [to Rachel] Look, I am not your husband, and I’m not going to take this s***.
Loretta: If I ask you a question, do you promise to answer me truthfully?
Loretta: Did you kiss her?
Loretta: You answered pretty quickly.
Rachel: Well, I knew the answer.
They scream at each other some more and then Rachel says, “Either you leave or I leave.” How about I leave?
But Rachel beats me to the punch and departs. Then Loretta and J.R. talk about how wonderful Rachel is.
Loretta: Sometimes I’m so scared I’m gonna lose her, it’s like death is looming over me.
J.R.: I know what you mean. I felt that way before my mother died.
Wait. Does Rachel have a tumor or something? Is this about to turn into some sort of thing where somebody gets hit really hard by a German boxer and ends up paralyzed and euthanized?
Worse and worse — J.R. and Loretta have sex. Yes, the sworn enemies who have been fighting over Rachel have found some sort of solace in each other’s arms. I can’t even comment.
But I don’t have to: Afterward, racked with guilt, Loretta goes to see Tracy, who says it all for me.
Tracy: You know, Loretta, there are certain things we just don’t do in the South. And f***in’ our enemies is one of ’em.
That was short-lived — Loretta goes back home to find that J.R. is helping Rachel move out. How long was that little spate of domestic bliss? It’s like a funhouse version of the U-Haul joke.
J.R. has told Rachel about the thing. You know, the thing where J.R. and Loretta slept together. Apparently this faithlessness was enough to make Rachel break up with Loretta, but not enough to make her stop being friends with J.R. — although I guess you could argue that forcing J.R. to help her move is a hostile act.
Loretta says the dalliance with J.R. was not “cheating”; it was a mistake. She explains that she and J.R. were “hating each other in his healthy way,” and it somehow led to sex. And then Loretta sort of gets that courage-of-your-clueless-convictions thing that plagues so many lovelorn souls:
Loretta: I will not tell you that I will never again for the rest of my life sleep with anyone else. I will tell you that I love you and that I will be honest with you.
Rachel: You’re pathetic. Why the f*** would I commit to you if you’re not gonna be monogamous?
Loretta: No one’s monogamous. You think troglodyke over here is gonna be monogamous?
J.R.: [interrupting] Troglodyke?
Well, the captions say troglodyte. I hear troglodyke, and if that’s not what was said, then I thank my ears and brain for making life funnier than it really is.
Loretta gives a big speech about living life with unbelievable highs and devastating lows and no regrets.
Rachel: If you think in some bohemian fantasy that that s*** is gonna fly with me, you are so wrong.
Right on. But then we get some crying and some rambling about fear of commitment, and then Rachel leaves.
Worse and worse and worse — Loretta is talking to her bathroom mirror.
Loretta: You f***ed up. God, I know this feeling. It’s like my umbilical cord has just been cut, and I’m floating out here alone in the universe. I’m all alone. All I wanted was love. Was that so much to ask for? Who else left me? Who left me? Nah, he wasn’t there. Dad wasn’t really there. Mom couldn’t be there. Nobody was there. Where the f*** were they? Not there. All I wanted was love. You have to love yourself … before anyone else can love you. You have to love you. I really want to love me.
The first time I saw this movie — in an actual theater — I started laughing out loud during this speech. And couldn’t stop. Some of the people around me were annoyed, but I had a good time. A glorious sense of freedom settled over me as I gave up trying to make sense of the movie and gave in to its unintentional campiness.
Back at the bar — Loretta is crying in her beer. Rachel shows up. They get back together. And the DVD goes back into the Netflix sleeve faster than you can say “I really want to love me.”
Oh, but I skipped the best line of the movie: J.R. starts to get into a fight (with Sandy this time), and when she gets thrown out, she makes a proclamation:
J.R.: I can’t help it if you’re all a bunch of jealous and insecure lesbians!
Now that’s what should be on my tombstone.