Recap Attack: “Bar Girls”

Home sour home — Loretta and Rachel have their first fight, about J.R., of course.

Rachel: She might be a friend, and I haven’t made many friends since I moved here.
Loretta: Well, what am I?
Rachel: You’re my soul mate.
Loretta: Don’t soul mates rank higher than potential friends?
Rachel: Soul mates have to put up with soul mates’ potential friends.

Then they ask each other “Why do you love me?” and “How much do you love me?” and it’s cringe-worthy — partly because the entire movie is cringe-worthy and partly because those subjects are just minefields.

But wait, it gets even more treacherous:

Rachel: You know, it’s weird. I don’t know if you’ve ever felt like this, but sometimes I feel compelled to tell you I love you because I think I do … but, the truth is, sometimes I don’t love you. Maybe it’s because I don’t love myself. Even then, it’s no less disturbing to look over at you loving me and feel nothing. I try not to let it worry me, because I know I’ll love you later if I just let it pass …
Loretta: You don’t love me all the time?
Rachel: No, not all the time, but most of the time I do.
Loretta: Good. I thought it was just me.
Rachel: You don’t love me all the time?
Loretta: No. Sometimes I don’t even like you.
Rachel: Yeah. Yeah, sometimes I hate you …
Loretta: You hate me? I don’t ever hate you.
Rachel: I didn’t mean hate. Hate’s pretty strong. I just mean that sometimes I loathe you.

It’s really pretty funny. Liza D’Agostino (Rachel) has her moments. Trivia note: She appeared in an episode of Ellen back in 1997.

It doesn’t end well; they end up scowling at each other and rolling away from each other in bed. If I were the director, one of them would have rolled right off, just to break the tension. Thunk!

The harsh light of day — Loretta is checking the answering machine. There’s a message from J.R. that Loretta promptly deletes.

Noah arrives; it’s time to work on that damn cartoon again. Loretta wants Heavy Myrtle to counsel a lesbian couple, but Noah’s far from keen on the idea. This was before the days when lesbians were everywhere on TV. You know, like they are now.

A meeting — Noah and Loretta are meeting with a producer. The lesbian story line has been approved (that was quick), as long as one of the women has an affair with a man and leaves her lover for that man. Points for realism.

Loretta is so incensed (“I am tired of placating to this patriarchal society!”) that she decides she and Noah will go on a little caper and kidnap the producer’s troll doll.

Yes, there are times when I can’t believe what I’m typing.

Another theme night — It’s some sort of Scorpio night at the bar. In about two paragraphs, this will matter.

Loretta and Rachel are playing pool with Tracy and Veronica when Annie and Sandy walk in holding hands. Just to make it all the more awkward, Loretta and Rachel decide to talk to their respective exes.

And then a really weird thing happens: As Loretta and Annie talk about Scorpio traits at the bar, Chastity Bono wanders up and says, “I’m a Scorp.” They stare at her blankly, much like you’re no doubt staring right now.

That’s what you call a cameo? More like a what-the-hell-e-o.

Loretta — the one who was so recently jealous of J.R.’s brief interaction with Rachel — puts her hand on Annie’s thigh and tells her she’s still attracted to her. Chastity Bono, come back and slap some sense into everyone!

Annie reveals that she and Sandy are getting married. She and Loretta go to the table where Rachel and Sandy are chatting and smiling. Annie and Sandy leave, and then Loretta and Rachel start getting jealous and bickery again. Who walks in, right on cue? That’s right: J.R., and we get a little reprise of the earlier scene, in which Rachel and J.R. talk and Loretta seeks solace from Tracy and Veronica. They try to calm Loretta down, but it doesn’t work; Loretta interrupts J.R. and Rachel and generally makes an ass of herself.

Loretta and J.R. end up getting eighty-sixed, and Rachel leaves too.

Loretta: You can sleep alone tonight, because I’m not coming home.
Rachel: I don’t think I’ll be alone.

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