“Real Housewives of New Jersey” recap (5.9): A New Hope


Teresa pours roughly ½ cup of vodka in each woman’s glass and the Italians commence cooking a homemade feast. Melissa dips out early: “I’m done with cooking, I’m going to burn my eyelashes.” I love that Melissa doesn’t even fake giving a damn about cooking. “Do you guys want to get drunk tonight?” she asks, her eyes lighting up. Well we know Melissa wants to get drunk tonight.

Frozen Lake

Rich starts shit like the gremlin he is by asking “Who do you think won the fight yesterday?”

Fortunately Juicy J and Joe Gorga show surprising tact by avoiding the question.

Juicy J: “It’s over, it’s done.”
Joe Gorga: “I wasn’t even fighting, I was just grabbing for his balls but couldn’t find them.”

Oh-em-gee Juicy J was telling the truth last week, Joe Gorga is a ball-grabber! The two Joes exchange insults, both insisting they won. Gorga takes it to the next level.

Joe Gorga: “When your dick’s the size of two inches, get upset.”
Juicy J: “You wanna start crying again?”

Ha. +5 for Juicy J.

Fortunately RoRo is there to cool them down, and the men start to make fun of her looks. Ugh. Just because a girl is a lesbian who doesn’t conform to hetero-normative standards of beauty doesn’t mean it’s cool to insult her looks. Rich leads the mocking, because Rich is a c-nt. Unable to catch a single fish, the boys (and lesbian spinster Rosie) give up and tramp back to their women and booze at the Haunted Stress Relief Mansion.


Melissa is straight up chugging from a bottle of Grey Goose. God, I want a drink and it’s only 9 am. Frick. Melissa babbles incoherently to the ladies because homegirl got a buzz.

Melissa: “We should have some cocktails while we drink. My job is to make sure you have cocktails.”

Christ she sounds like me. Maybe Melissa, Rosie, and I should kick it. We can dine on the cocktail olives and vodka. It’ll be grand. While literally shoving alcohol-laden straw’s in the women of her family’s mouth, Melissa announces “After all the drama from the other night I think we all deserve a cocktail… Or four… Seven… 8.”

That’s the most interesting thing Melissa has ever said. The girl clearly wants to get drunk. Plus 7 to Melissa for not being afraid to chug vodka on national television. She’s a little troublemaker, that one. I suspect Melissa never really accepted Teresa’s apology sp she’s acting out like a petulant child. Or she’s just sick of these fuckers and wants to get fucked up.

I can dig it.

The menfolk return with not fish. Tottering around, Melissa pours them each a vat of vodka with a splash of orange juice. Mmm. Looking way too good for a Monday morning. RoRo insn’t wearing a hideous hat (PROGRESS) and looks very dapper as a butch in blue. Under Melissa’s slurred command, the gang samples different flavors of vodka.

Rosie: “I wanna try the peach first.”
Melissa: “Yeah cause you want a nice juicy peach.”

What can’t tacky straight people use as a euphemism for vagina? Kathy and Teresa serve up a scrumptious looking Italian meal. Preening under the attention and Teresa’s approval, Kathy comments “I don’t drink while I’m cooking because I want to make sure everything’s right.” Ew, backhanded much Kathy? The resemblance between Kathy and her cousin Teresa has never been more obvious. Also, Melissa was never even trying to cook. She was trying to get drunk, and succeeded wildly. Drunk Melissa ain’t havin’ none of that sass.

Melissa: “Ew. Buzzkill. Stop talking.”


I love drunk Melissa.

Melissa continues: “The thing about Kathy is I wanna have her analyzed. You know those quiet girls in High School?” Melissa pauses for effect, then bellows in a sing song tone “Whores, Whores, Whoresss.”

The gang toasts to family and friendship.

Perhaps feeling sentimental (or just at that great happy drunk state), Joe tells everyone that since he thought Jacqueline and Chris were coming, he brought a bottle of wine that they had made together. Since they didn’t come, he asks Caroline to give it to them. Awwww. Juicy J misses his friend!

Living Room

After dinner a wasted crowd descends into the Haunted Stress Relief Mansion living room for fun, games, and more drinking. Rosie the Riveter convinces them to play another trust game, because that went so well the first time. They do trust falls, and Rosie goes first by falling into Rich. He takes the opportunity to grab and massage her tits. What the fuck? Rich best be getting slapped soon. Grabbing your lesbian sister-in-laws’ tits is just creepy and weird. Gross. Rosie is a good sport about the tit massage but still. Icky.


Melissa is tipping over in five inch stilettos after half a bottle of vodka. Everyone is drunk and they are the happiest and friendliest I’ve ever seen them. Alcohol really does fix everything. Juicy J trust falls on Melissa, who immediately collapses under the vast density of his girth. When Teresa asks Caroline to do a trust fall, the every crafty Caroline has one condition: if Teresa wants to do a trust fall with Caroline, she has to promise to eventually do one with her former BFF/current nemesis Caroline. After whining a bit about how hard it will be to forgive Jacqueline, Teresa agrees.

Sitting Room


Like Melissa, night is falling. Juicy J and Teresa sit, discussing the day’s events. In a surprising show of wisdom and maturity, Juicy J urges Teresa to repair her friendship with Jacqueline. This is strange because up till now Joe was all like “fuck ‘em.”

Juicy J: “Buildings get knocked down, you gotta build them up again.”

The building is a metaphor for Teresa’s friendship with Jacqueline. God I love a good construction metaphor. Teresa cries at the hardship that comes from forgiveness. Joe tears up because he is drunk and married to Teresa.

And so the episode ends the same way it begun: orange tinted tears, and the promise of new hope on the New Jersey horizon.

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