“Real Housewives of New Jersey” recap (5.8): When you gaze into an abyss

Gorga Room

Omg Joe Gorga keeps crying so Melissa keeps crying and damn that is a lot of crying. Steve the team building professional comes in to say goodbye with forced cheer and shifty eyes. He is ready to return to the Middle East, where people are more composed. Steve and his boring sidekick (wife?) also tell the Gorgas to stick it out, and they agree to spent the night cooling off and try again tomorrow.


Dining Room

Everyone except the Giudices make dinner.

Rich: Honey glazed duck breasts? I wonder what fucking size tits this duck had.

Rich should not be allowed in nice restaurants. -15 to Rich

A mystery hangs in the air. After the fight,, dark streaks of black had appeared on everyone’s clothing… But from where? The gang is flummoxed, but in a laughing aside Joe Gorga explains the mystery. “I take a little black hair spray and it makes my hair look a little thicker,” he giggles. “Everyone’s asking about the black stuff, but I’m like I don’t know about the black stuff.”

+5 to Joe Gorga for knowing about the black stuff, but letting his family wonder.

Giudice Room

Juicy J and Teresa take a romantic and revolting bath while drinking champagne and discussing how much they love each other. All I can think of when I see Joe Giudice in a bath is how his farts must be constantly bubbling to the top. Joe tells Teresa that tonight they’re going to have really rough sex to make up for his anger towards her brother. Shudder. It’s the first time all episode I’ve felt bad for Teresa.


DAY 2 - Wakile Room

“Ya gotta be drunk around these people,” says a freshly awoken Rich, pouring himself a Mimosa. +5 to Rich. Rosie walks in carrying a glass of champagne and looking surprisingly… good? For the first time ever Rosie is WITHOUT a signature newsboy cap and what an improvement. She’s actually got quite nice hair, and it looks cute all mussed and natural. +10 Rosie.

Rich: Do me a favor and put a bandana over your hair.

Shut the FUCK up, Rich, you ruin everything.

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