“Real Housewives of New Jersey” recap (5.8): When you gaze into an abyss

Haunted Stress Relief Mansion Ballroom

When we last left the groaning Gorgas and guttural Giudices on their stress relief retreat, the first day of team building exercises had already begun to sour. Teresa and her brother, Joe Gorga, continue to bark insults at each other until Joe Gorga snapped at called her “scum.” Teresa has never heard such a vile word, and storms out into the patio to inform her husband, Joe Giudice, of this gross insult to her honor. Sensing an opportunity for fisticuffs, Juicy J scampers inside demanding apologies and silently praying for snacks.

And just like that, the gauntlet of violence is thrown.

fight

Seeing Juicy J advance, Gorga zooms to meet him body-to-body man-to-man gut-to-gut in one awful, primal, smack and the brothers-in-law pitch on the floor in an all out brawl. The time for words has ended. Now is a time for blood, or at the very least light bruising.

The men (who are looking positively tiny today) seem equally matched, with Gorga being a slight lead in size, youth, and fitness. Rich and Melissa slap their backs (doesn’t strike me as the most effective way to end a fight but what do I know) and Teresa, hilariously, bolts. Straight up peaces out. She takes off out the back door in a strange, slightly crouched lope/trot that I guess Teresa thinks we think is a run? I think she thinks we think she’s running by the energetic arm-flails but really it doesn’t look very fast. “Call the cops,” she commands a pile of wood, before making a quick lap around the patio and enthusiastically walking back inside.

When Teresa returns, Gorga has beaten Giudice to the ground and is now standing back, egging his brother in law to get up. “I’ll beat the fuck out of you,” whines Giudice, lolling about the floor. Everyone, including our beloved RoRo, is huddled in little groups to the side, whispering about the drama happening with excited interest. The only exception is Melissa, who stands by her man and clearly wishes she could get a smack in. Pulling his not-inconsiderable girth up with a gurgle and a gas, Giudice bleats “You want to suck it, get over here,” at Gorga. “Guy is biting my nuts.”

Ugh, that is some overcompensating poppycock. Rather than acknowledge that he was beaten to floor fairly, Giudice attempts to protect his precious, odious, misguided manhood by implying his brother-in-law homo-ed him to the ground with gay crotch bites, therefore cheating Giudice out of a fair fight via implied faggery. No one, least of all a cutie like Gorga, wants to bite your nuts Juicy J. Also, insulting your clearly straight brother-in-law by implying he wants to suck your dick is desperate homophobia. Your bitch ass got beat, Giudice. Take it like a man, not a dickish 14-year-old.

Melissa, filled with blood lust and adrenaline, sees Teresa lurking at the outskirts, saying and doing nothing to prevent the fight. She senses an opening and goes for it. “You stood there. They were fighting and you let them fight.” +5 to Melissa for sensing a good chance to remind the world Teresa doesn’t raise a finger for anyone but Teresa. “I went to call the cops,” Teresa shoots back. What, the tree cops? What cops? No cops are coming. Teresa didn’t pick up a phone, and walked around outside to get out of the line of fire. After more shouting and posturing, Teresa drags Juicy J back to their room and the gang tries to soothe Joe and Melissa.

“That’s how you deal with trash,” Joe says, looking stricken, ‘You become trash.” Joe is having a very Nietzsche moment. He who fights with monsters should look to it that he himself does not become a monster. And when you gaze long into an abyss the abyss also gazes into you, etc. Steve the team building professional mills around blankly. He is fondly reminiscing about his days among the Taliban.

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