“Real Housewives of New Jersey” recap (5.11): The treaty

 
 

Teresa’s House

The Giudices are up and prepping for a day of charity and ZUMBA YAY. One by one, the other housewives trickle in with their children in tow. They are all wearing unattractive neon and black spandex workout gear. Rich, in particular, looks like a creepy banana. Kathy and Teresa’s children sniff each other out as the two clans haven’t met in quite some time. Rosie the lesbian arrives, sans pageboy cap! Clearly she is growing.

Rosie and the boys begin drinking red wine before exercise. That is something we have in common. Jacqueline and Chris turn up, awkwardly entering the McMansion of Jacqueline former BFF/former nemesis/ current reluctant ally. It’s a scene very reminiscent of court life. An enormous bus arrives because these people only travel in enormous black buses when there’s too many to fit in an enormous SUV. The family bus has a stripper pole, so that’s a little something for the kids to enjoy.

Massive Bus

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Teresa, being Teresa, cannot let a nice moment go unsullied. “Remember the other night when Jacqueline called me a sociopath?!’ she chirps gleefully. Everyone winces. “Can you define that word?” Teresa continues, oblivious everyone’s polite horror at her lack of tact. It’s just a ridiculous thing to ask, mostly because most of the adults on that bus/in the world know what sociopath means and have probably called Teresa worse. It’s like saying “Do you remember when that person said I was a pedophile? What does that even mean guys, LOL.”

“Google it,” Jacqueline responds shortly. She does not want to get in on this shit load.

So Teresa uses the voice capabilities of her smartvoice to audibly google the definition of sociopath. She reads it aloud while cackling. Everyone else waits for the moment to end. Things were just about to get awkward (JK they were already awkward) when Juicy J comes to the rescue with signature style and social skill. “Enough of that shit,” Juicy J gurgles authoritatively. “Melissa could you do the pole one time?” Melissa laughs and shrugs the comment off with polite loathing. And then something horrific happens. Milania, Teresa’s young daughter, begins climbing the pole while singing, “I’m Melissa, I’m on the pole” in a sweet sing song. Everyone laughs with polite misery and the bus clanks into it’s destination.

Zumba Charity Event

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Teresa is working with a kidney charity because she cares about children obvi, and everyone is there to support her great kindness and giving spirit. The event takes place in a hall filled with brunettes wearing brightly colored spandex, so our heroes and heroines fit in nicely.

Joe and Joe appear to take shots of red wine. They’re ready to work it.

Everyone shuffles to a peppy beat in odd synchronicity. It’s bizarre seeing people who were physically brawling just last week now joined in dance. Jacqueline and Teresa talk more and fake hug, each professing affection-ish to the other with varying degrees of insincerity.

Massive Bus

More red wine! More talk of name calling! More laughter! I guess the gang had a nice day. Juicy J makes a toast: “Here’s to the sociopaths, the idiots, the scumbags, the horsey faces, and to Josephine.” A fine orator, that Juicy J.  A modern Cicero.

Caroline’s House

Adults arrive in sparkly finery to bid a fond farewell to Greg, Albie and the other son’s roommate. He is moving to San Francisco. “I dream of leaving New Jersey all the time, but I would never actually do it,” laments the lesser Manzo boy. Caroline is sad and muttering about grabbing brass rings, which is doubtlessly a deep metaphor we are too simple to grasp. She gives Greg a going away gift—a silver platter/hanging etched with “Take care of each other,” because there’s nothing a young single man in San Fran needs like decorative silver plaques. Jacqueline tells everyone she’s leaving for Cali for surgery and they’re all like “Whatevs, Jacqueline.”

Beverly Hills Neo Surgery Center

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Who is lying in wait for Jacqueline but Ashley, Jacqueline prodigal daughter from hell. Ashley hated school and working so she made Jacqueline’s life miserable until Jacqueline stopped supporting awful Ashley and let her go to asshole mecca, Los Angeles. Ashley is one of the priviledged girls who are attractive enough to believe they are entitled to anything and everything, including stardom. At least, that was Ashley last time we saw her. Jacqueline says they have a better mother and daughter relationship not that Ashley is far, far away. Ugh. I live in the same city as Ashley. So what has Ashley been up to in Cali? ‘Since I’ve been out in LA, the thing I’ve been doing is blogging for a website called Buzznet”. Oh. My. God. Ashley and I are both LA-based and write for blogs. I’m going to kill myself. This changes everything. I am not Ashley. I cannot be Ashley. Please no, why, why must everything be taken from me?

The plastic surgeon examines Jacqueline stomach and neck, grabbing bits he plants to saw off. After the consult, Jacqueline, Ashley, and Jacqueline’s parents go to a tacky bar/restaurant on Hollywood Boulevard. Jacqueline takes tequila shots and eats a taco salad because she wants us to know how fun she is, and Ashley declines to drink because she wants to know how sophisticated she is. Ugh. Ashley is the worst. The next day they return, and Jacqueline bops under the knife for a quick cut and paste. During surgery, the Dr. creepily compares Jacqueline’s body to her “hot” daughter Ashley’s body. That’s beyond dysfunctional. We see a gross close up of chunks of Jacqueline’s severed flesh. The bottom of each is coated with yellow fat, and one has an entire tattoo on it. “She’ll be glad to be rid of that” the surgeon mutters “I could have done a better job.” Lovely man.

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In the waiting room, Jacqueline’s parents and daughter wait with assumed gravity. Anything could go wrong in an operation they keep repeating. Ashley dabbs her dry eyes and adds a nice little quaver to her voice that she must have picked up in improv. Finally, the douchey surgeon emerges. “She did great,” he declares, basking in his blessed God complex. “Hurrah” shout the family, and they press unto Jacqueline’s side, anxious to see what monster has been made of their beloved Jacqueline.

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