“Real Housewives of New Jersey” recap (5.11): The treaty

 
 

Restaurant

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Teresa taunts Jacqueline, Jacqueline purses her lips and tries to be polite. “When have I hurt you?” asks Teresa, clearly baffled because she has literally never upset anyone in her life. “One thing that bothered me was when you said ‘Instead of Twitter, why doesn’t she worry about her son?’” A way harsh remark because Jacqueline’s son is autistic. Teresa knows she’s beat when Jacqueline starts crying. Teresa visibly softens and reminisces about their old friendship with a shred of humanity-ish. “I was upset, yeah,” Teresa concedes. “I was blaming you because I didn’t talk to my brother.” With that the two warring factions agree to a peace treaty of sort, a cease fire based on mutual civility. I’m surprised neither woman suggestions sealing the deal in blood.

Jacqueline: I hope we’re at a good place.

Teresa: I’ve been at a good place, I hope you’re at a good place.

Jacqueline: I’m at a good place.

There is a place that is good that both Jacqueline and Teresa are at.

blk Headquarters

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blk is in large, steel letters emblazoned upon a black wall in the Manzo boys’ nefarious lair. A cavernous, empty office connects to a long, imperious looking table where very important businessmen do very important business work. blk is their brand of bottled water. For a business that, according the Golden Albie, has yet to turn a profit, blk is housed in some swanky digs. Where on earth could the funding have come from? Perhaps it just sprang in piles from the sweat on Golden Abie’s furrowed brow.

Chris visits the Manzo duo to discuss big news—an upscale athletic class has decided to exclusively provide students with blk water. What a coup for blk water, not to be confused with BLACKWATER. blk water is bottled water from the boys of the women from the Real Housewives of New Jersey. Blackwater is a private mercenary company run by neocons that is the largest private security company employed by the U.S. Government. Blackwater is notorious for providing fighters-for-hire to the Iraqi and Afghan wars that suffered scandal involving underage prostitution, rape, murder, torture, etc. Nice guys, really. Just like the Manzo boys.

Teresa’s House

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Giudice spawn frolic with nerf guns as Gia prepares to spend the day with her semi-estranged Godfather & Uncle Joe Gorga. While the littles play, the older Giudice girls (oldest being 12-year-old Gia) are in the bathroom, applying makeup and wearing matching hot pink hoodies. It’s a very Reviving Ophelia moment, like many moments for the Giudice girls. Joe Gorga arrives and sweeps Gia of for a day of family bonding vis-a-vis Go Cart racing.

Lingerie Store

Housewives like to remind viewers that they are still sexxxxy, which is why every season for every RH franchise there are at least two scenes of lingerie shopping. (Prove me wrong. I dare you.)

Kathy and Jacqueline browse bras and discuss Jacqueline’s new peace treaty with Teresa. They’re looking for workout gear to wear to Teresa’s upcoming “Zumba Charity Event” which sounds like a hellish ordeal if I ever heard one. Jacqueline has some big news—she’s getting plastic surgery! A tummy tuck and neck lift to be specific. Kathy is like “Sure, whatever makes you happy” because lord knows Kathy loves her some augmentation. Even more exciting: Jacqueline will be getting work done in Beverly Hills! Going back to CALI CALI.

Racing Arena

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Gia and Joe G enter a surprisingly intense go kart arena, pop on some chrome helmets, and get into two bright yellow bumper cars on steroids. Gia, at 12, is all like “Ew whatever” and Joe G, at God knows how old, screeches around gleefully shouting, “I am the champion.” It’s a nice moment.

Afterwards the two sit down for a nice chat. Gia is wearing a studded leather jacket and swishing around pin straight hair en vogue for middle school queens around the nation. Gia starts in on the hard hard questions right away, interrogating Joe Gorga about his relationship with Gia’s mother. “Didn’t you realize that when you were going tit-for-tat with mom, it was affecting everyone?” she berates. “People change. Things happen,” Joe Gorga says, guiltily. He’s in a tough spot because it’s not like he can talk shit about Teresa to her daughter, and all her daughter knows is he is the bad guy. This awkward conversation continues for a while as Gia reminds Joe Gorga of the infamous christening when he and Teresa had the biggest blow up. Gia reminds him how she had tried to pull Teresa and him apart, and the screen flashes back to a much younger Gia begging her mother and uncle to stop fighting. Then we return to present day, with a smirking tween in the place of that sad little girl.

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