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“R&B Divas” recap (3.8 & 3.9): One Night Only

Welcome to a mega-diva-recap, covering the episodes from both last week and this one, as I catch up after being on vacation. And there is a LOT to catch up on, y’all. There’s strippers lighting their asses on fire; there are coochie cakes; and there’s finally, finally the One Night Only concert in the City of Angels. And there is a lot, a lot of drama and confusion swirling around like tropical storms. In fact, that’s where we start, jumping right in after Syleena had swiftly departed rehearsal at the end of Episode 7. The mood is summed up in everyone’s really happy body language!

This situation is tough. Syleena’s pissed because Angie cut her out of a tour without talking to her about it, a very legitimate reason to be pissed. But when Monifah calls out Angie on being disingenuous about all of her constant sisterhood talk, it obviously really hurts Angie. And while Angie can be bullheaded sometimes, no one wants to see her cry.

The bad feelings are brought to the table, literally, when Syleena, Monifah, and Angie later sit down to lunch to hash it out. And even after they hash it out, I’m still a little confused. But it seems like they’re okay with each other anyway, so I guess it’s OK? It goes like this: Syleena explains her feelings. Angie doesn’t deny anything but listens patiently with a pained look on her face. So I don’t think Syleena got any of her facts wrong. She was screwed out of a tour.

But after watching this scene a couple times, I think the missing factor is Ashanti, Angie’s manager and boyfriend. He takes care of all the business, and when it comes to business, you really can’t turn down a tour. So he basically told Angie, “Hey, Syleena’s going to be mad at you, because we’re taking this tour without her, but just keep your mouth closed about it.” I think the only thing Angie could have done better was communicate it all clearer to Syleena, and apologize for how it turned out. More on Ashanti in a hot second, though.

Monifah also takes this moment of healing to invite Angie to her wedding, the last piece of the diva wedding puzzle. This is a much more deserved and expected invite than, say, Meelah or LaTavia’s, but whatever, man, I am ready for Hawaii.

Speaking of wedding bells, Ashanti and Angie’s relationship takes a prominent role in this episode. They go out to dinner, and Angie not-so-subtly hints that Mo and Rez’s wedding buzz has made her wonder when her own ring will be placed upon her finger. Ashanti awkwardly avoids answering. Later, we see a family dinner at Angie’s house, with both Ashanti and her daughter Diamond present. This is apparently a big deal because there seems to have been some big throwdown between Diamond and Ashanti in the past, even though we don’t get any real clue as to what that specifically was. But their newfound friendship results in them ganging up on Angie, playfully, but Angie still gets her feelings hurt. And then Angie brings up marriage again, and asks Ashanti point blank if, after eight years, he’s ever going to marry her. He just keeps saying, “When the time is right,” no matter how much she pleads, which is the most cop-out-y answer in the Ultimate Book of Cop-Outs.

Maybe Ashanti just doesn’t express himself well on camera. But after witnessing him in a few episodes now, I feel really wary of him. He seems sort of cold and blocked off, like there’s this deadness behind his eyes. He also insinuates at one point during this dinner that he doesn’t care what Angie’s family or friends think of him, an opinion that always rubs me the wrong way. Angie’s always so exploding with warmth and love and soul that I feel she deserves someone who says, without hesitation, “Eff yeah, I’m going to marry you, woman!” Look, if you have philosophical or financial barriers against marriage, that’s one thing, but it doesn’t seem like Ashanti has either. This whole episode just makes me actually feel sort of sad for Angie Stone.

A few other fun things happen in this episode: all the ladies go to a pole dancing class together, which is a bit random but obviously enjoyable. Keke is cautious at first but then gets into it. Monifah steps up and shows the younger girls a thing or two. Ladies, I don’t even know how you walk normally on those heels, let alone wrap them around a pole without breaking yo’ ankles. So, seriously, props.

We also get to see the work-in-progress that is Monifah’s hand-designed wedding dress! Can’t wait to see the final product.

There are also a few rehearsals, of course, with moderate success. We do actually see more singing than we have so far, which is good considering the concert is NEXT WEEK. We also see more of the same old hemming and hawing from LaTavia (YAWN x1000), but upsettingly, some whining from Keke, too. Suddenly she’s playing the “your style is too old for my brand” game that she played at in previous seasons. She thinks the acoustic idea is for the “40+” crowd, even though most of the performances where we’ve seen Keke really shine have been acoustic? And even though she’s singing COUNTRY now, which really melds well with acoustic sets? I think what happens with Keke is that the closer an event is, the more insecure she becomes, and the more she has to drag her feet about something or other. She’ll come through in the end.

And then, of course, we have the bachelorette party that Syleena and Keke have planned for Mo. And hoo boy! First of all, it starts off with a cake that has to be blurred for the camera in two places-on the titty, and on the vajayjay. As Keke looks at it in horror, she quips, “We’ll make Mo eat that part.” That cake is more scandalous than 98% of my life.

The ladies give Monifah all variety of sex toy gag gifts, and then the strippers arrive. And I’ve never actually been to a strip show (see my scandalous cake comment), but these two ladies are more like acrobats. They’re standing on their heads, stretching their legs into unnatural poses, doing all variety of things, all while half their bodies are blurred out for the camera. Monifah prances around them throwing dollar bills. And then one girl does something that involves lighting her butt on fire. Somehow. I don’t even know what’s happening! No one knows what’s happening! Everyone’s faces are full of shock and awe and utter confusion! It is amazing.

But then, of course, some nonsense commences. And after watching this one a few times, I STILL don’t know exactly what happened between one of Monifah’s friends and Keke. There was a long bleeped out word that was subtitled on the screen that started with a T, and help my pathetic soul, but I have no idea what that word could be. Alls I know is that Keke did not appreciate what one of Mo’s friends said, but then Syleena calmed her down, but then Angie got out her blessed holy water to make a little speech-I’ve missed you, bottle of holy water!-and for some reason, when summarizing the group that was present, referred to LaTavia and Meelah as the “newbies.” Although this is in fact an accurate description, at least when it comes to the R&B Divas, it really got the newbies’ panties in a twist, particularly LaTavia. Who maybe from now on I’ll just refer to as LaTavia “Haven’t Sung a Single Note This Entire Show But Am Really Offended to be Called an Amateur” Roberson.

But let’s put all that behind us for now. Because we are all headed to LA, BABY.

It’s time for One Night Only, and all the divas show up at the venue for rehearsal the day before. Well, all the divas except for LaTavia, obviously. Who knows/cares where she is. They run into some trouble from the start, though, as apparently the “acoustic” part of the show has been miscommunicated to the music manager at the event. Meaning, the entire show has been miscommunicated. The manager does apologize and promise there will an upright bass, a box drum, and all of the equipment they actually need set up for them tomorrow. They then start singing “Sister,” the song Angie brought in that will be the final act they’ll sing in unity, summarizing the entire point of the concert. Aaaaand nobody knows the words. Hahaha!

Insecure Keke Monster also rears its ugly head when she insists that she’ll sing the chorus and then ad lib the rest in “Sister,” but she’s not singing any lines. When the divas try to push her that memorizing one line isn’t a big deal, she freaks out, and then Angie freaks out. Yaaaaay! Monifah talks her down, but this One Night Only is looking pretty rocky right now.

Since they’re in LA, Syleena also has a lot of meetings set up regarding her own personal career. Since meeting with Wayne Williams about her new songs, she’s had offers and interest from a bunch of folks, including Motown, whom she and Syleecia meet with in this episode. Motown sounds exciting, and an old friend of theirs from Chicago is working for them now, and he’s really into the song Syleena plays for him. As am I. In fact, each new song Syleena plays this season, I am more and more into. However, it seems that their friend is just a fish in a large Motown-y pond, and he’ll have to convince the whole rest of the A&R department, which sounds like an uphill battle.

So when Syleena then meets again with Wayne Williams and he demands an answer from her in regards to his own label, The Astronauts, she says she’s made a decision in her gut, based on the people who have supported her most. She’s ready to take off as an astronaut. The sexy-nerd-in-pearls look she’s rocking for this announcement is also almost too fierce for my fragile disposition. Now GIVE US HER RECORD ASAP, WAYNE.

The core trio of Syleena, Monifah, and Keke also have some bonding time during this trip to LA. First Keke confides to Syleena as they lay out in the sun at their hotel that she’s contemplating not going to Monifah’s wedding. She messed up Mo’s engagement party, and then she almost got into a huge fight and messed up her bachelorette party, too. She’s worried that she’ll get herself into something that will ruin Mo’s actual big day, and Keke couldn’t live with herself if that happened. Even with all the nonsense that Keke’s been throwing up in the last couple episodes, this shows her true heart, sweet and vulnerable inside all the funny faces and fart noises: She wants to be a good friend, but doesn’t trust herself enough to believe that she can be.

Syleena decides to call a brunch for the three of them to get this all out into the open. Mo is shocked that Keke could even consider not coming to the wedding. She says, yeah, she was having doubts a few months ago about their relationship, but now, they ride these waves together. Because as she says, “I see you.” Monifah sees Keke trying to work through her stuff, and both she and Syleena just want Keke to believe in her like they do. There are tears, but they are loving, good tears. They end with a toast to the MILFs. I forgot how they called themselves the MILFs! Shucks, I’m getting sentimental. As a side note, Mo, your boobs look fantastic.

At sound check the next day, things are sounding good for most of the ladies. And then, alas, in walks LaTavia, looking super shady, giving the same non-answers to everyone’s questions. Now that it’s the final hour, Mo and Keke decide to actually call her on her shit. When LaTavia uses her period as an excuse for why she’s not well enough to sing, it seems like the last straw for Keke. She shouts, “Hey, well, we’re in sync, ’cause I’m about to go change my tampon! AMEN.” I don’t know if I’ve ever heard such an amazing sentence being finished with AMEN.

Sisters in song. And blood.Keke and LaTavia have some real talk backstage, and LaTavia concedes that okay, maybe, FINE, SURE, she will participate in “Sister.” Whatever, who cares. All I know is that the other divas are super excited and looking good an hour before showtime, and then the door opens and Lil’ Mo and the rest of the crew from R&B Divas LA pile in to offer their support. I’m not as familiar with the LA crew, but the more divas supporting each other the better. I also feel like I immediately enjoy these women because they seem to be real drizunk.

As always, once the show actually gets started, all anxiety and troubles aside, it seems to be flowing smoothly. Monifah goes up first and kicks it. Meelah goes up next, in a bangin’ gold jacket, and she sounds way better to me than she did in her previous performance this season. I was also slightly worried about this venue, because it’s a bunch of formal seating, that the crowd wouldn’t be as into it. But the place is packed, and the crowd is grooving. In fact, it feels like the best vibe of an audience they’ve had all season. People are on their feet and loving it.

They even love it through Syleena’s song, which she stops smack in the middle of, because her mic is giving her feedback and she is having NONE of that, honey. As she says, “You’re gonna fix this motherBEEPBEEP.” And they do fix it, kind of, because you don’t defy Syleena when she takes that tone, and she jumps right back into the song and knocks it dead. Then it’s Keke’s turn, and puh-lease, Keke is always nothing less than flawless.

And then it’s time for Angie Stone to get up, and she introduces “Sister.” Everyone steps up and jumps in on their part, even-dun dun DUNNNN-LaTavia. And she sounds…fine? She sounds fine. A whole season worth of drama for two lines sung is still a bit much for me, but I’m glad that she did it.

It’s not that I’m totally without empathy for LaTavia. I think we’ve all been in situations before where we are so scared to do something, or we build up something so much in our brains that it becomes this larger than life thing that seems literally impossible to do. It’s a 20 ton boulder stuck in front of our faces that we’ll never be able to move, an elephant constantly sitting on our shoulders. But then when you actually just DO it? Well, it never ends up being that hard after all.

One Night Only is a success. And now that we finally have that out of the way, there’s only one thing left to do. Get your butts on a plane and head to Hawaii to celebrate Monifah and Terez!

The big wedding finale is next week, and I can. not. wait. What were your thoughts on the divas’ performance in LA? What do you hope to see next week?

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