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“R&B Divas” recap (3.10): Love is a Verb

Before we dive onto the white beaches of Hawaii for this phenomenal season finale, let’s take a minute to remember R&B Divas endings from seasons past: Nicci working everyone into a frenzy; Keke screaming her head off at Angie Stone and then crying at her own birthday party; Syleena storming out of the room. Bad scenes, bad scenes. Rough times.

But not this year, my friends! Not this year! Oh, there will be some drama, of course. But ultimately, we will finally end on a note of sisterhood and love and empowerment, everything this show is supposed to be about, and it will be a thing of reality TV wonder!

We jump right into our diva vacation at the beginning of the episode, as all of them pile onto their Hawaiian Airlines first class cabin together. They get lei-ed and immediately consume cocktails and are generally all looking fresh and excited and ready for tropical air. Angie leads a toast to Monifah and Terez and, presumably, all the sponsors who are paying for them to take this badass vacation!

That’s sadly all we get to see of the plane ride, but I know that plane ride is long. Imagine all the other hijinks or inappropriate conversations that might have taken place that we didn’t get to see! Regardless, they arrive at their swanky hotel in Waikiki, and even though it’s raining, everything else seems perfect. They’re all greeted with more amazing-looking drinks–man, this episode is going to make me really thirsty, isn’t it?–and then Mo and Terez head out to check out All Things Wedding. They take a brief look at where the ceremony will be, and then head to the reception area, where it seems like almost everything is already laid out. And I don’t know whether it’s the flowers, or the silky purple chair covers, or just the realization suddenly sinking in that this is actually happening, but our sweet, sweet Terez immediately begins to cry. She is also wearing this ridiculously sexy top that shows a section of her torso that I can’t even with. They also get to taste food and delicious-looking cupcakes. LIFE IS WONDERFUL.

We then move to what the other divas are doing around town, which seems to involve a lot of walking along the ocean and talking shit about each other. Meelah and LaTavia walk and chat and share a sense of relief over One Night Only being over. Meanwhile, on a different beach, Syleena and Keke also walk and chat, but their conversation turns a little more tense. Keke has apparently decided that Hawaii is the place to finally start having some Real Talk about everything that’s been going down lately, starting with how shitty LaTavia was this whole season. Preach it, Keke. This rant includes some amazing Keke quotes such as, “No shade, honey, but…shade,” while imitating pulling an umbrella over her head. And my new favorite line: “That’s not my cup of tea, and I don’t want to drink it.” On top of all this, I feel completely mesmerized by Keke’s beach outfit.

Other than the whole beautiful wedding thing that happens later, my favorite scene of the episode is the next one, when Angie Stone and Ashanti decide that surf lessons are a good idea. Angie drags along Syleena and Syleena’s husband Kiwane as a type of double date, in a good faith effort of healing some of their recent tour-deception wounds. It’s fun seeing Kiwane with Syleena, as we don’t see him on screen often, although he apparently “doesn’t do” anything involving water. So while he’s there for moral support, it’s only Syleena, Angie, and Ashanti actually getting into blue wetsuits and attempting to take to the waves. And “moral support” for Kiwane translates into sitting on a beach chair, sipping a flower-adorned drink and shouting encouragements, while the rest of them continually fall on their asses. Eventually Angie crawls onto the shore on all fours, and the others soon stumble in behind, soaked and completely bedraggled. Syleena declares her hatred for everyone. It is one of the best things I have ever seen. They continue to do a variety of both Hawaiian and wedding activities: they all attend a luau; Angie and Ashanti go kayaking; Mo and Terez have a ceremony rehearsal with their adorable mamas. As soon as they’re done with the rehearsal, in a fitting twist of magic, fireworks start exploding over the water. Monifah says it feels like a sign from God telling them they’re doing the right thing.

Mo and Terez presumably head back to the hotel to prepare for their Big Day tomorrow after the surprise firework show. The other ladies, however, sit at the hotel bar, and the cocktails start to sink in. At least, the cocktails start to sink in for Keke. In fact, I think the cocktails have been saturating Keke’s cells this whole entire trip. Which I am totally okay with. She sits down with Meelah and LaTavia and almost immediately asks LaTavia, flat out, “Are you a diva?” To which LaTavia obviously responds that she is. When she’s pushed on this fact a little, she responds that she “never got the memo” that to be a diva you had to be a singer. OH, okay, you guys, I finally get it. She never got the memo that explained what the name of this TV show is or that it’s about women who sing! She must have thought she was going on a completely different reality show! How confusing for her.

We do learn in this conversation, though, that Keke TOTALLY LOVES Ellen DeGeneres, which I find important to note, and that LaTavia does in fact still possess vocal chords. Because when Angie and Keke press her enough, she busts out a few lines from “Feeling Good,” which seems to end the conversation in happiness and applause. I’m still unimpressed, but hey, yay for happiness and applause!

But now that Keke’s got that matter ticked off her list, she moves swiftly on to the next one: Ashanti being kind of a shady manager. When Angie starts to feel offended, she gets up from the table, but when Ashanti hears what’s going on, he comes back over with her to confront Keke. And this is when I really begin to dislike Ashanti. Yes, Keke is sort of on a tear right now, and I know Ashanti is feeling some type of testosterone-fueled defense shield flying up, but his body language alone is too aggressive for me when he approaches her, glaring and hovering above her at the table. And then when he doesn’t like what she’s yelling about, he calls for Michael to come “get his woman,” which is irritating at best and misogynistic at worst. He then silences her, refusing to respond to anything she says. Anyway, nothing’s actually clearer about the tour situation afterwards anyway, except for the fact that Ashanti is indeed a jerk. But in the end the ladies are still fine with each other, and I still love Keke, even with her inclination to bring up drama at inappropriate times.

But let’s get back to the main business at hand! Because now, now, now, it is finally time. We’ve arrived at the wedding day. Monifah and her mom, Eleanor, get their makeup done, and Eleanor says that she’s happy for her, and Mo says she knows, and when the camera views them both in profile, it’s so easy to see one in the other. Everyone takes their seats outside, and the sun is shining, and everything feels pure and right and nice. There’s this elaborate bridge thing over a circular pool, and there’s flowers everywhere, and a sheaf of fabric swaying in the wind that the brides and their mothers are about to walk through. Angie, Syleena, and Keke make a few statements to the camera about why they support equal marriage, why they feel privileged to be there, because they are good and decent human beings. Then Terez makes her entrance first, and she’s wearing this pant suit, and her hair is piled on top of her elegant head, and she looks so graceful I could die. Her mother is looking equally as proud and fierce in a wonderfully printed shirt and cap. And then out comes Mo.

Monifah doesn’t need your traditional white wedding dress, y’all. She’s designed her own, and it’s black, and it’s beautiful. Eleanor meets her halfway and leads her up the aisle, and then she and Terez stand across from each other and radiate a glow to knock out the sun. Monifah’s face looks so peaceful, so smooth, so happy, it’s almost angelic.

They exchange vows that are so sweet I can’t even repeat them, because my tears will clog up my keyboard. But at least I wouldn’t be alone, because everyone in the crowd is dabbing at their eyes, too. When Monifah finishes hers, she reaches her arms up to Terez’s face, so moved by the moment that she wants to bring her lips to hers right then and there, but then she remembers that they haven’t gotten to that part yet, and puts them back down. The bishop promises that they’ll get there, and everyone giggles. But in a few minutes, they do get there, and then the lovely lady bishop introduces them, for the first time, as Mrs. and Mrs. Carter-Thorpe. It’s historic, and genuine, and lovingly done. And now it’s time to paaaaarty.

Monifah comes out in a shorter, sassier dress, better to dance the night away with. As they wine and dine, the diva table expresses some longing for having similar ceremonies for themselves. Oh, that bittersweet feeling we’ve all experienced at weddings! It appears not many of the other divas have actually been able to have weddings like this; Keke’s gotten married twice at a courthouse, and Angie’s still waiting for Ashanti to commit, even though she drops even more pleas on this trip, including catching the bouquet.

But whereas Ashanti just continues to roll his eyes and ignore the subject, Michael acknowledges his wife’s emotions as valid, and promises her she’ll get a proper ceremony someday. Hurray for Michael, the best husband on the show, who hasn’t said anything homophobic in a long time, and seems to be enjoying himself thoroughly at this very gay wedding! And you know it’s a gay wedding because there is some divine woman in a tux there that the camera splashes past a few times. WHO IS THIS WOMAN; WE MUST KNOW. The evening ends the way it should, with Keke Wyatt’s voice. She sings the song I think we all have memorized now, the country ballad “You,” and I don’t mind a bit.

Little tiffs and differences aside, the episode ends with every single diva feeling good about where they are and who they are, and their commitment to each other as divas and humans. People always say reality TV is shallow, but this episode doesn’t feel shallow at all. Thanks for letting us be a part of it, Mrs. and Mrs. Carter-Thorpe.

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