Rating lesbian character deaths on a scale of 1 to 5 crying Santana Lopezes

 
 

Admiral Helena Cain, Battlestar Galactica

New lesbian love is all fun and games and scissoring, until you find out you’ve been finger-banging a Cylon. Then what can you do? Have your robotic girlfriend arrested and tortured, of course, so that she’ll learn to hate you so much she’ll end up shooting you in the face. At least we were prepared for the tragedy of BSG; the show did kick off with the destruction of an entire civilization, after all.

Trauma Verdict: Two Crying Santana Lopezes

 

Dana Fairbanks, The L Word

Lesbians from WeHo insist that The L Word is like real life, but most of us don’t know any Bette Porters or Shan McCutcheons. But nearly all of us know some Dana Fairbankses. Hell, lots of us are Dana Fairbankses: Clumsy at love, kind of insecure, mostly sweet, still a little bit scared of our parents. And who among us hasn’t shared her heart with a Mr. Piddles? And then the most relatable character on the highest profile lesbian TV show that has ever (and probably will ever) exist got the kind of breast cancer that kills you faster than a snakebite. Dana’s death is the gold standard by which we measure all other shitty TV writing and general agony. WE’LL NEVER FORGET.

Trauma Verdict: The limit does not exist.

 

Silvia, Los Hombres de Paco

Getting shot in the stomach is never a good time. Getting shot in the stomach in your wedding dress is even less of a good time. Getting shot in the stomach in your wedding dress and then dying onscreen for a solid hour while your wife tries to keep you from bleeding out with her bare hands: That’s kind of the worst way ever to spend a honeymoon.

Trauma Verdict: Three and a half Crying Santana Lopezes

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