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Rating lesbian character deaths on a scale of 1 to 5 crying Santana Lopezes

Warning: If you’re not caught up with Lip Service and Pretty Little Liars and Buffy the Vampire Slayer and The L Word and, well, All The Lesbian Things past and present, this post might spoil you about character deaths. Proceed with caution!

It’s been a full week since Cat was plowed down by a car while engaging in the dangerous business of being a lesbian on TV texting while walking on Lip Service. Every time a lesbian character dies, it stirs up lots of Feelings inside of us because we’ve seen about 10 bajillion lesbian characters meet their maker over the years. If there’s one thing gay ladies know it’s that the best way to deal with Feelings is to process Feelings, so we’ve decided to rank some of the most buzzed about lesbian character deaths on a scale of one to five Crying Santana Lopezes – which is, of course, the saddest measure of sadness in all the land. Cat MacKenzie, Lip Service Yeah, yeah, Laura Fraser moved to Los Angeles for American acting opportunities and Harriet Braun had to find some way to explain her absence from the show, but did that explanation have to include Cat getting run right the f–k over by a car on her birthday?! The shock gave way to DS Sam Murray sobbing her gorgeous eyeballs out and Frankie Alan crawling around in grave dirt. No amount of tea – metaphorical or otherwise – is going to be able to mend our emotional wounds!

Trauma Verdict: Four Crying Santana Lopezs   Tara Maclay, Buffy the Vampire Slayer Take the most lovable character on one of the best-written shows in the history of TV and introduce a lady love into her life. Sprinkle with actual magic. Break them up. Get them back together. Make them and us and the whole wide world believe in Happy Ever After – and then immediately shoot the lady love in the chest with a gun. ‘Cause that won’t break our hearts into ten billion pieces or anything.

Trauma Verdict: Five Crying Santana Lopezes   Paulie, Lost and Delirious Lost and Delirious is to lesbian love what Old Yeller is to adorable animals. They’re just about the sweetest stories of affection and loyalty you’ve ever seen – so long as you turn them off after 45 minutes. If you insist on watching them all the way through, the dog gets shot when it gets rabies and the lesbian hurls herself off a roof when she gets outed.

Trauma Verdict: Three Crying Sanatana Lopezes

Admiral Helena Cain, Battlestar Galactica New lesbian love is all fun and games and scissoring, until you find out you’ve been finger-banging a Cylon. Then what can you do? Have your robotic girlfriend arrested and tortured, of course, so that she’ll learn to hate you so much she’ll end up shooting you in the face. At least we were prepared for the tragedy of BSG; the show did kick off with the destruction of an entire civilization, after all.

Trauma Verdict: Two Crying Santana Lopezes   Dana Fairbanks, The L Word Lesbians from WeHo insist that The L Word is like real life, but most of us don’t know any Bette Porters or Shan McCutcheons. But nearly all of us know some Dana Fairbankses. Hell, lots of us are Dana Fairbankses: Clumsy at love, kind of insecure, mostly sweet, still a little bit scared of our parents. And who among us hasn’t shared her heart with a Mr. Piddles? And then the most relatable character on the highest profile lesbian TV show that has ever (and probably will ever) exist got the kind of breast cancer that kills you faster than a snakebite. Dana’s death is the gold standard by which we measure all other shitty TV writing and general agony. WE’LL NEVER FORGET.

Trauma Verdict: The limit does not exist.   Silvia, Los Hombres de Paco Getting shot in the stomach is never a good time. Getting shot in the stomach in your wedding dress is even less of a good time. Getting shot in the stomach in your wedding dress and then dying onscreen for a solid hour while your wife tries to keep you from bleeding out with her bare hands: That’s kind of the worst way ever to spend a honeymoon.

Trauma Verdict: Three and a half Crying Santana Lopezes Sandy Lopez, ER By ER‘s 10th season, they were really scraping the bottom of the barrel for dramatic stories they hadn’t told before. Once they’d done the lesbian pregnancy thing, they were out of ideas for Kerry’s partner, so they just went ahead and killed her in a fire. Kerry’s the one who told the other doctors to stop trying to revive her. And then she sat with her body in the operating room and cried and cried and said, “Sandy had a big family. I only had her.” Guh! (Luckily writers don’t lean on those “Bury Your Gays” and “All Lesbians Want Kids” tropes anymore.) (JUST KIDDING.)

Trauma Verdict: Four Crying Santana Lopezes   Jenny Schecter, The L Word Kenny’s perpetual death on South Park is sadder than Jenny drowning in Bette and Tina’s pool. Who killed her? Who cares?

Trauma Verdict: Half a Crying Santana Lopez   Maya, Pretty Little Liars You know that old joke about how the best way to tell a person her cat died is to be like, “Your cat is on the roof.” And then the next day: “Your cat won’t come down from the roof.” And then the next day: “Your cat fell off the roof and the vet is trying to patch him up.” And then the next day: “Your cat died.” Just to sort of ease them into the idea? That’s how PLL played Maya’s death. Oh, she ran away. Oh, she hopped into the car with a stranger at the bus station. Oh, she stopped answering all her texts. Oh, here she is, buried under the gazebo at the old DiLaurentis’ place. Still, though, nothing could have prepared us for Emily’s heartbreaking reaction. That’s the face of a girl who’s had two girlfriends get axe murdered in two years.

Trauma Verdict: Four Crying Santana Lopezes What do you think is the most traumatic lesbian character death of all time? (If you want to see Santana’s verdict on fictional lesbian fashion, you can check that out over here!)

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