RachelWatch: The DADT Congressional Hearings

 
 

Today: Admiral Mike Mullen takes a principled stand and Senator John McCain does not.

Omentum

Rachel started us off with a look at Year Two Obama, who seems to have noticed that people like it when he goes on the offensive and starts kicking ass. And, goodness, the President certainly has been eating his Wheaties lately.

Rachel contrasted a confident, on-point, and even jokey Obama with the snitfit pitched by Senator Judd Gregg (R – New Hampshire), who likes crabbing but hates debates. By his own rules, Judd Gregg should triple-love billions for small businesses, but it turns out he hates the debt and giving them loans more.

No, I am never going to stop finding Senator Gregg’s name amusing. Sorry.

Rachel welcomed Hardball host Chris Matthews in the studio in spite of the fact that we have clearly demonstrated that they should always talk in a bar.

Matthews went right up to the edge with a metaphor before he pulled himself back. And in spite of the fact that he doesn’t have nearly the preponderance of consonants that Judd Gregg does, Matthews sure does like interrupting.

Fight to Serve

Rachel showed a clip of Senator John McCain (R – Arizona) on the Hardball College Tour, which I assure you is a very different thing than what it sounds like.

That was the 2006 version of McCain, who back then was roundly hated by Republicans because he would sometimes break with his party to stand by his personal beliefs.

Unfortunately, the current version showed up to the DADT hearings: 2006 McCain’s bitter, cranky twin who’s trying to keep his seat in the face of a hard-right challenge. Hey, who dropped those principles all over the floor?

Considerably more awesome was Admiral Mike Mullen, Chairman of the Joint Chiefs of Staff. Get ready to have your heart gruffly warmed.

The Interview

Senator Saxby Chambliss (R – Georgia) demonstrated that he has never learned what the second half of “live and let live” means and Senator Jeff Sessions (R – Alabama) failed to see why the second half of “Don’t Ask, Don’t Tell” might force someone to lie about his or her sexual orientation.

I hope their staffs are well aware that the Senators are phrase conclusion–impaired.

Figures of speech like “easy as falling off a log” and “beer before liquor, never been sicker” can really sneak up on people with their condition.

Chambliss and Sessions joined with Senator McCain in making the condescending assumption that every straight person in the military is a frightened bigot who will be completely unable to handle serving with someone who’s different.

Fortunately, Lieutenant Colonel Victor Fehrenbach was on hand to tell Rachel what current military service under DADT is actually like.

Ms. Information

Rachel noted that all kinds of communist unpatriotic things have happened to the Panties Bomber: He was read his Miranda rights and he has been interrogated with standard FBI techniques instead of being tortured.

The Panties bomber is said to be giving good intelligence, but that must be a baseless rumor. If there’s one thing Liz Cheney has taught us, it’s that terrorists only give information to people they respect, and respect is only earned through punching people in the nards.

Rachel also reported on the Daily Kos/Research 2000 poll that revealed that bummeriffic numbers of self-identified Republicans believe that President Obama is a socialist foreign-born terrorist sympathizer who hates white people and should be impeached.

Jeez, it’s like they haven’t even heard about how he’s one of the lizard people from space.

Rachel also warned that swordfish have attacked an oil pipe off of Angola. Oh, dear. They’re armed and they’re developing hot rods.

We’ve got to start fighting fish delinquency before it’s too late. Stay in school!

“We’re in the Red Zone”

Health reform has been declared dead and come lurching back to life so many times that almost no Republicans in Congress are willing to put down their defensive knitting needles and split up to go skinny dipping anymore.

A few have cracked under the pressure. Case in point: Congresswoman Michele Bachmann (R – Minnesota), who has officially gone stone-cold batpucky.

In the next clip, you’ll see her tell a cautionary tale about health care in a bizarre foreign land called “Japan,” which is so strange and so far away that no one could possibly find out what it’s really like there. So let’s just go with Ms. Bachmann’s account!

(Later in the show, Rachel mentioned that Representative Bachmann’s press secretary has left to pursue other opportunities, one of more than 12 staffers to find other opportunities since 2006. I cannot even begin to tell you how much I want that job. I don’t think I’ll be one of her top candidates, but it sounds like it’ll be my turn soon enough.)

Congressman Anthony Weiner (D – New York) dropped in to be very nearly as interesting as Representative Bachmann, hampered only by the fact that he is not insane.

 
 

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