RachelWatch: Tea and Antipathy

 
 

Today: Eric Cantor saves the Toontown economy and Rod Blagojevich continues to be the best thing for Chicago since Mrs. O’Leary’s cow.

Tea-ing Off

Happy Teabag Day, everyone!

Rachel naturally led off Tuesday’s show with the Movement that Launched a Thousand Giggles. She contrasted President Obama’s grownup response to the nationwide outbreak of public teabagging with her own “prurient, juvenile approach.”

Wait. That doesn’t mean the prurient, juvenile approach to teabagging is stopping, does it? Because that would really choke me up.

In his statement on Tuesday, Obama explained the reasoning behind the stimulus package and said that the key to tackling the deficit is to get health care spending under control. He also answered concerns from the left and told everyone to chill out on sending SWAT teams to zipline into banks and nationalize them.

Former DNC chair Howard Dean joined Rachel to break down Obama’s strategy and agree that maybe we could be more competitive in the global market if we didn’t have to calculate the cost of treating the average hangnail in Fabergé eggs.

Illinnoying

Rod Blagojevich, still unaware that everyone in the solar system has heard the tapes and that long, convoluted statements do not help your credibility, pled not guilty “begin the process of getting the truth out.”

He has also taken terrifying steps toward his ultimate goal of staying on your television all day, every day until you break and go Amish.

No He Cantor

Eric Cantor set up an Economic Solutions Center website to “dispel the myth” that the Republicans have no new ideas. Spoiler: Tax cuts!

It’s so easy, even cartoons can do it! Assuming those cartoons all have jobs and no trouble with their mortgage payments like the ones on Cantor’s site.

Rachel welcomed Jared Bernstein, Vice President Biden’s economic policy advisor, to essentially ask him what the hell.

Bernstien gave a nod to conservative thinkers want to debate economic policy for real, and audaciously suggested that the cartoon Hooray for Tax Cuts website was not a serious response.

Breaking News

Rachel took a pass on the Ms. Information segment to report on some breaking news, but there was no shortage of divine fish.

Mohammad El Gharani has been in Guantánamo Bay since he was 14. He should have been released in January, and yet he is still there.

Tuesday night, he somehow managed to call the Al Jazeera network when he was supposed to be calling a relative. Which is surprising, because why didn’t he use that phone call to order ice cream cakes for everyone?

Pirates attacked the Liberty Sun, a container ship loaded with humanitarian aid and sailing under the American flag. The pirates shot up the bridge with automatic weapons, but no one was hit. Looks like you merchandisers of “fun” pirate memorabilia can plan to keep it in storage for a while.

Team of Rivals

Oh, dear, the tea parties are getting ugly. Have you people lost all sense of decorum? Raise your pinkies!

Rachel welcomed Stephen Gordon of the Libertarian Party of Alabama to talk about how the Libertarians started the whole tea party idea are thoroughly pissed at the Republicans for sitting down at the table uninvited when they won’t even help stuff the Dormouse into the teapot.

Gordon, who clearly took his job so he could stop explaining that people don’t have to call him Mr. Johnson, brought his own teabags and seemed to be hip to the prurient, juvenile magic of the situation.

GOP in Exile

John McCain seems to be sliding into the terrific phase of life that failed Presidential candidates hit where they just relax and start saying whatever the hell they want. And what he wants to say is that Sarah Palin is not one of the rising Republican voices.

Rachel looked forward to Ms. Palin setting an example for us all by handling the situation with dignity and restraint.

OddBaseBall

Rachel welcomed her pal baseball nerd Keith Olbermann to talk about yesterday’s baseball strangeness.

Among other items, the Yankees got stomped so bad that they put their first baseman in to pitch and had three beer guys, a greenskeeper, and the organist warming up in the bullpen.

Chicago continued to class it up by hanging a dead goat outside of Wrigley Field. It’s good to know my old neighborhood hasn’t changed. Hope you’re still enjoying peeing on my building, Cubs fans!

Cocktail Moment

Determined to keep kicking the City with Big Shoulders while it’s down, Rachel served up a Chicago Fizz to numb the pain while she informed us that Rod Blagojevich has been recruited to appear (assuming he’s allowed to leave the country) on NBC’s upcoming I’m a Celebrity…Get Me out of Here.

While I admit that it would be gratifying to see Blago get dropped into the Costa Rican jungle, I’m pretty sure any pleasure would be far outweighed by the knowledge that he’ll be earning up to $80,000 an episode. Excuse me: I need to go punch the walls for a few minutes.

On the upside, Rachel did note that if he gets the job, she and Blagojevich will be colleagues. Have fun at the holiday party, Rachel!

And don’t bring anything for the Yankee swap unless it’s f’in valuable.

 
 

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