RachelWatch: Rumors and Reality

 
 

Today: Lou Dobbs is hilariously bad at insulting people and Barack Obama does not want to kill your grandma.

“Kind of Morbid”

Rachel led off with the news that conspiracy theories can still get traction, no matter how ridiculous.

The latest loonball rumor is that President Obama wants to kill the elderly and is using his health care plan to do it.

The idea is that he’s going to make his government minions keep lists of anyone who’s getting too feeble, and then the first time they forget where their glasses are, Myoohoohahahaha! Right into his hands!

Senator Bernie Sanders (I – Vermont) joined Rachel to talk some sense and marvel at the level to which the debate has sunk.

I admit that this is an impressively stupid rumor, but I believe in the American people and the complete lack of scruples of the Republican leadership on this one. I know we can do better.

I want to see rumors hitting the airwaves by the end of the week that Obama’s health care plan is a plot by Reptilians from outer space. We can do it, people!

Look, we can even piggyback it onto the current rumor: Obama’s universal health care plan is meant to track the feeblest people with the best marbling so that they can be carved up into steaks for visiting Reptilian dignitaries at a moment’s notice.

Make it happen! Fly, my pretties! Go!

Rachel Asks Some Darn Good Questions

Representative Alcee Hastings (D – Florida) introduced what looked like kind of a genius solution to stopping our stupid Don’t Ask, Don’t Tell law in its tracks.

But then he withdrew it. The hell?

White Elephant

The Senate Judiciary Committee approved the nomination of Judge Sonia Sotomayor for Supreme Court Justice Tuesday, which means she’s a shoo-in as long she never admits to being wise or Latina again.

Senator Lindsey Graham (South Carolina) was the only Republican to vote for Sotomayor, causing me to have a moment of grudging respect that I think made us both uncomfortable.

Representative Loretta Sanchez (D – California) dropped by to talk about the weird, apparently deliberate snub of La Raza by the Republican Party.

Thank you, Rachel, for bringing up the embarrassing resemblance of current Republican political tactics to the shameful Southern Strategy.

Though of course it isn’t the same thing at all. Republicans are not trying to garner votes by stirring up white racists. They are simply trying to alert white people to the fact that they need to be protected from nonwhite racists. Totally different thing.

Ms. Information

Rachel reported that as U.S. troops withdraw from cities to military bases in Iraq, the rest of the “Coalition of the Willing” is pulling out like they’re dependent on Bush administration funding for contraception.

Rachel noted that the “Coalition of the Willing” was never exactly the “Coalition of the Delighted To Be Here” anyway.

It’s like the United States threw one of those parties where everyone is constantly checking the time or drifting toward the door or pretending that they’re going out on the balcony just because the night air is so nice.

And now it’s finally hit an hour where everyone can finally split and feel relived that at least they made it out before somebody broke out an acoustic guitar.

Rachel also gave us a quick sports update: Michael Phelps lost to a German swimmer.

But wait! Many people think he won not because Michael Phelps is a human being who might lose sometimes but because his opponent was wearing a magical technotronic swimsuit that was designed by sorcerers and probably Reptilians from outer space because they want Americans to lose faith in athleticism and just stand in their veal pens until Obama calls them to the slaughter.

(See how easily you can work that into things?)

Birther of a Nation

Be careful, though: People get mad when you easily and repeatedly debunk them in public, which means Lou Dobbs is in quite a dither over the birther thing lately.

In the middle of protecting his psyche from the knowledge of his own stupidity by lashing out at others, Dobbs referred to “Teabagging Queen Rachel Maddow,” neatly illustrating that not only is he not current enough on popular culture to know exactly what “teabagging” is slang for, he may not be current enough on politics to know who was on which side of the teabagging issue.

I guess he figured out that people were mad at Rachel over teabagging for some reason and that “teabagging” turned out to be some sort of a bad word and just went from there. Why wouldn’t he look it up or ask around before using it?

Well, it’s too late to worry over that now. Rachel has been declared Teabagging Queen and we must honor it.

I can’t wait to see her in the tiara and sash.

C Street Band World Tour

It was less than a week ago that I was no longer scared of The Family because of their comical inability to think up good cover stories. Holy crumpets, have they come back with a vengeance.

Department of Justice? Are you on this? Please?

The House Birther Caucus

Rachel finished off with an update on the hilarious video of elected representatives running away from Mike Stark to avoid ticking off their lunatic base by directly answering questions about whether President Obama is really a citizen.

Representatives Tom Price (R – Georgia) and Jeff Fortenberry (R – Nebraska) have now admitted that the President was not a sophisticated document forger during his infancy.

Rachel rewarded their bravery by crossing them off of her Birther Caucus list and welcomed them back to the “reality-based community.”

Obama, in turn, will reward them by giving them an extra three years of fattening before being served.

 
 

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