We’ve almost done it, you guys! We’ve almost survived another summer! And as a reward for our perseverance in the kind wretched heat where even breathing is a torrid proposition, the TV gods are slowly but surely beginning to drop their fall TV promos on us like manna from network heaven. And you know what that means — it’s time to put the mountain bike back in the garage, dust off the DVR, and polish our gay goggles!
How queer is your fall TV season going to be? Well, that might depend on how good you are at decoding subtext. Take our quick quiz to see if your gaydar is pinging at full throttle, or if you need to tinker with it a little more (that’s what she said!).
Question #1: How many times do Serena and Blair flirt with each other in the Gossip Girl season four promo?
A) Zero times. They’re so straight.
B) I couldn’t be bothered to count. I was distracted by Chuck Bass, my favorite lesbian on primetime.
D) Four. I’m counting that fountain-push as foreplay.
Question #2: When Nancy and Cathy start talking over one another on Showtime’s Weeds/The Big C combo promo, what do you do?
A) Play it over three times because I can’t understand what they’re saying.
B) Play it over three times because I can’t get enough of Laura Linney and Mary-Louise Parker‘s faces.
C) Play it over three times to get some tips for arguing with my girlfriend.
D) Add to the cacophony by shouting, “Jump the fence and kiss her, you prat! You obviously want it!”
Question #3: How many lesbians can you spot in CSI‘s season eleven promo?
A) Uh, none.
B) Mmm, me and Jorja Fox would make sweet music together — wait, what was the question?
C) Just that one psychotic-looking one at the very end.
D) There are a million lesbians contained in that final shot!
Question #4: So: Nikita‘s Red trailer in five words or less?
A) No, thank you. Done it.
B) Do her legs never end?
C) Laura Croft: Tomb Raider 4?!
D) Propensity for badassery? So gay.
Question #5: What’s the best part of the new Bones promo?
A) There is no best part. I don’t care if the showrunner does share your initials, Heather Hogan.
B) Emily Deschanel‘s sustained smoldering.
C) I just finished Buffy series eight. Angel, how could you?
D) Angie! My favorite bisexual hologram-maker!
If you scored mostly As, you are grumpy and probably need a nap. Or your gay goggles may be totally broken. Tip: Watch Thelma & Louise, Laverne & Shirley or Rizzoli & Isles. If you still don’t see any subtext, I hate to break it to you, but you may be straight.
If you scored mostly Bs, you are on the right track! You love your lesbians! Also, you may need to get laid.
If you scored mostly Cs, you are nearly perfect at decoding lesbian subtext! But don’t get cocky; there’s a long TV season ahead of us, and you never know when a lesbian character will disappear into the parking lot ether. Constant vigilance!
If you scored mostly Ds, congratulations! Your gay goggles are in tip-top shape! It’s going to be a hella good lezzer time for you when September rolls around!
Are you ready for fall TV?