“Pretty Little Liars” recap (5.6): I Know Why the Cannibal Bird Sings

Paige is in the locker room after a late night swimming session when Emily jumps out of the shadows at her like a ninja. Paige jumps out of her Speedo (you wish!), all, “Seriously, dude?” But Emily just keeps on creepin’. Her voice is all low and scary and she’s still scratching at her skin and prowling all around like a panther. She tells Paige its time for her to name the people in Mona’s Army.

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Paige: Nu uh, man. You saw how Ali talked to her in that video.
Emily: The video was edited.
Paige: And? Ali still said that shit. Mona didn’t hold a shovel to her head and make her say it.
Emily: I know you don’t like her, but—
Paige: Emily, I love you beyond all reason, but the way you think my feelings about Alison are the catalyst for all my main life decisions, it blows my mind, it really does. I’m not you guys. All of my actions aren’t tethered to an inexplicable obsession with that girl.
Emily: Whoever blew up the Cavenaugh house wants to blow up Ali’s face.
Paige: Just off the top of your head can you think of anyone who has access to the Cavenaugh house who might have a reason to want to blow up Ali’s face? Just spitball with me here. Who is familiar with blown-up faces and also has a key to Toby and Jenna’s house. Jenna’s house. Jenna. Blown-up faces. …nothing? Seriously?
Emily: Could you live with yourself if Ali got killed again and you had information that could have stopped it.
Paige: Looking at you guys looking at Ali the way those hyenas look at Scar is a real boner-killer, I’ve got to say. But yeah, OK. I’ll give you some names.

Paige writes down the names of the people in Mona’s Army on a piece of paper from the notebook she bought at the campus bookstore when she went to sign her full swimming scholarship to Stanford University, one of the most prestigious universities on earth, and the place she doesn’t yet know will provide her with an infinite supply of women who have never even heard of Alison DiLaurentis. Paige is more awesome right now than she ever has been; she has no idea how hard and bright she’s gonna shine. Emily doesn’t know either, apparently, and I’ll be honest with you: I hope one day she is blinded by it. (No offense, Jenna.)

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Spencer parent traps Veronica and Peter at that one restaurant in Rosewood and they talk about how maybe their differences aren’t so different after all. He likes to murder with poison and she likes to murder with smashing things into skulls. He likes to take Melissa killing with him and she likes to go on her own. In the end, they’re really the same, aren’t they? Compelled by their WASPy bloodlust and their insatiable desire to drive Spencer as banantown crazypants as possible. They decide that he’ll move out for a while and she’ll move back in, and they’ll just see what happens re: snooping teenagers and forensic evidence.

Meanwhile over at Ezra’s, a couple of other freaks are freaking out. Aria and Ezra are trying to figure out what to do with all the evidence that implicates him in dozens of felonies. He wants to put it in his storage locker and Aria wants him to put it in her attic, both of which ideas are so goddamn Ezria I can hardly stand it.

goddamnezria

#NeverForget

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