“Pretty Little Liars” recap (5.6): I Know Why the Cannibal Bird Sings

 
 

Aria explains that she slipped and fell naked onto his erect penis twice the night before and that’s why she also brought him to Emily’s to hang out with a bunch of his former students, half of whom he stalked for two solid years. Aria’s like, “Let’s not forget he took a bullet for us.” And Spencer is all, “Yes, on top of a roof where he — not to put too fine a point on it — stalked us, yet again.” There is no time to bring Aria to her senses before Ali and Emily and Hanna show up, and A Snapchats over a video of Mrs. D getting buried in that hole, talking smack about, “Watched her bury you and then I buried her! P.S. That powder blue blazer makes you look like a real estate agent in Orlando, bye!”

After school, the Liars go to Hanna’s to talk some more about who A is and isn’t and why she killed Mrs. D and probably it’s not Peter at this point because he says “FaceSpace” when he’s talking about Facebook so there’s no way he’s a cyberterrorist. They run down the list of usual suspects: Mona, Mona. Could be Mona. Possibly Mona. Ali really wants to go on the lam again, and every time she says it Emily starts trying to like peel the skin off her bones because she’s so anxious about how she can’t protect Ali if Ali’s not with her.

And, I mean. Emily. Honey. You have poisoned yourself with Icy Hot and nearly paralyzed yourself swimming into a wall with your head and taken instructions from a doll that nearly led to your demise on multiple occasions and you gave your face to a drifter in the forest and one of your girlfriends was buried alive and another one was buried dead and another one was abducted and duct taped inside a closet in a cabin where you were on vacation with your dead girlfriend’s murderer. When it comes to keeping people safe, you’re not exactly Katniss Everdeen.

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Hanna agrees to babysit Ali tonight, which Ali can’t say that she loves; first of all, because she doesn’t want anyone telling her her business, and second of all, because when Emily is the one telling her her business, the business is fingerbanging. She makes plans to escape town while Hanna is outside trying to convince herself and Travis that she wants to make it work with him even though that stopped being true the second Caleb stepped off the midnight shadow ferry from Ravenswood. He likes her too much to tell her to stop dicking him around. Hanna goes back inside to help Ali pack up her shit and get lost.

Hanna: I am so burnt out on your urgent, whispered phone conversations, to be honest.
Ali: That’s because you’d rather spend all your time making a mess out of a love triangle.
Hanna: And my grandma thought Mona was the best argument we have against human cloning.
Ali: What do you know about clones? Tell me what you know about clones.
Hanna: You seriously need to chill the fuck out. Do you want me to make you one of my mom’s Paxil-Merlot smoothies?
Ali: No, I want to leave Rosewood.
Hanna: Cool, here’s a train ticket.

Detective Roma Maffia (hey, girl!) is on the prowl tonight. First, she hits up Radley because the source of all evils seem to come from that place in one way or another, but no one will help her because client-patient privilege or something. She ought to go down to Coughman’s Pharmacy and hang out and listen to that guy shout out everybody’s prescriptions at the top of his lungs, if she’s looking for top secret medical information. She storms out while Spencer tries desperately to get Eddie Lamb (hey, girl!) to go to coffee with her and spill the secrets of Bethany Young. But he will not because his ethics are too ethical, and also probably he’s terrified of Mona.

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Next up, Detective Roma Maffia shows up at Ezra’s apartment while he’s trying to convince Aria to just take the damn candy and get into his car. Aria hides in the bathroom and Roma Maffia, who is not very good at being a detective but is the absolute best at being a troll, asks Ezra a bunch of questions like, “Did your student Shana Fring — who was found dead holding a gun the night after you were shot with gun, both of which things happened in New York, a city where neither of you live — know your family owned the theater where she was ultimately found dead?” He says no, the only thing he ever talked to his students about was the theme of the coexistence of good and evil in To Kill a Mockingbird. Detective Roma Maffia smiles at him, real sweet-like, says, “I see” and spots Aria’s matching dragonskin purse and jacket on the table before she leaves.

I truly hope, in the end, Ezra ends up in jail because someone pieces together his crimes with Aria fashion clues.

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