“Pretty Little Liars” recap (5.4): Chaos is what killed the dinosaurs, darling!

Spencer and Ali meet up and bring it with some Medicis and Borgias realness. Ali is facing the demons she left behind in the form of YouTube comments about her after she died. Her heart is broken for who she thought she had to be. (Or is it?) (Yes.) (Or no!) (Sasha Pieterse is just a wonder.) But then Ali and Spencer engage in a conversation that they alone are capable of having: “My mom was poisoned.” “My dad did it.” “She buried me alive.” “He forced her to do it. I’m so tired. The monsters under my bed have been keeping me awake since you disappeared.” “The monsters aren’t just under your bed.”

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Spencer and Ali’s relationship is my favorite [Whoever and Ali] relationship. Hanna accidentally became Alison. Emily was in love with Alison. But Spencer and Alison are sisters. Spencer and Alison are like What if Draco Malfoy had a brother? Not in the early days, but in the Half-Blood Prince days, when the price for his privilege was laid out before him and he was the only one in his family without a Dark Mark. Their bond is intense and fraught and charismatic as everything. Oh, they’re Slytherins, but that’s not all they are.

Paige goes over to Emily’s to warn her about the Alipocalypse that’s coming. At first Emily is like, “Oh, get over me already” but then Paige peels the sugarcoating off a truth bomb and drops it at Emily’s feet: “Ali hurt a lot of people and while I’m not interested in perpetuating that cycle of abuse — because, baby, I did not know the weight of it until I’d felt the freedom — I’m also not going to out the people who feel like a proactive offense is their best defense.” It’s the first time Paige has mentioned the way Ali fucked her up since she found out Emily was going to bring her home, and it’s the first time she hasn’t looked at Emily with open want and affection (for the first time possibly ever), and it startles Emily worse than if Mona jumped out of the bushes waving a shovel. She tries to get Paige to stay, but Paige just walks away and (again, for the first time possibly ever) doesn’t look back.

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Aria goes to Ezra’s to play cards and chess but mostly to keep herself from watching Shana’s funeral video anymore. Hanna goes shopping and steals a crushed velvet birthday present for Aria. Spencer finds some — no joke — Coughman’s Pharmacy pills in the cabinet that are the same prescription as the prescription that killed Jessica DiLaurentis. And Emily goes to Ali’s to try to coax her somewhere safer. Ali’s like, “OK, number one, you have never ever asked me to go away from you, and number two, you specifically told me to stay in Rosewood.” Emily tells Ali she’ll memorize her examination recording, but this is the last lie she’s going to tell for her, for real.

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Aria shows up at Spencer’s for some Spraria QT, but their cuddles are put on hold when Peter arrives with the news that he’s checked Veronica into a “spa” and no one should try to call her for at least 72 hours.

Ali stays awake all night reading and rereading the mean posts on her website page wall. There are some sweet ones that make her kind of smile and some awful ones that make her feel like butt. Finally she scrolls back far enough that she sees a picture of two assholes wearing paper bag masks in their profile photos. “At least I’m not the worst person on earth,” she says before closing her laptop and drifting off to sleep.

Next week: The return of Jenna Marshall sets everybody to slappin’!

Hey, guess what? Nicole of @PLLBigA is screencapping PLL for me now! Follow her on Twitter for all the most delicious Rosewood goodies, including spoilers and promo photos and links to fan sites and so much more!

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