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“Pretty Little Liars” recap (5.12): The Nightmare Before Christmas

And it came to pass in those days, the Grunwald issued a decree that a census should be taken of the entire celestial world. (This was the first census that took place while Tippi was chancellor of Philadelphia.) And everyone went to the earth to register. So Ares also went down from Olympus to Pennsylvania, to the town of Rosewood, because he belonged to the house and line of Zeus. He was there with Aphrodite, who was pledged to be married to him and expecting a child. While they were there, the time came for the baby to be born, and she gave birth to her firstborn, a daughter. She wrapped her in a hoodie and placed her in a manger, because there was no room for them at the inn.

And there were shepherds living out on that one street in town, keeping watch over their flocks at night. An angel of war and an angel of love appeared to them, and the glory of time and space shone around them, and they were terrified. But the angels said to them, “Relax, man. We bring you great joy for the people. For today in Rosewood, a Savior has been born to you; she is Mona, the Vanderjesus. This will be a sign to you: You will find a baby wrapped in a hoodie lying in a manger outfitting her MacBook with some sick hacker software.”

Suddenly a great company of war angels and love angels appeared, praising Vanderjesus and saying:

“Glory to god in the highest, and on earth adrenalized hyperreality, a reckoning for men.”

There has been a murder in Rosewood, which you know because this is the summer finale of Pretty Little Liars and everyone is crying and there’s sadsack music and Marlene King, who has the most lovable face and cheerful disposition to be such a ruthless killer, has written this episode. The worst fucking police officers on the goddamn planet would like Hanna to accompany them back into the murder house, which is just covered in blood, to give them a statement. Die in a house explosion that won’t stop exploding, all you stupid Rosewood cops. You’re awful. Just awful in every conceivable way.

For example, 36 hours earlier:

Alison is at RPDHQ taking a polygraph test and the guy administering it isn’t asking yes/no questions; he’s asking her to do verbal essays of various events from her past while telling her he can distinguish between what’s a real memory and what bullshit she’s weaving from her imagination, which: ha! Hahahaha! If any of us could do that, including Alison, we’d have cracked this case wide open by now. Or at least we’d have a seed of an idea to plant and water and nurture and maybe that would grow into a tree that would bear the fruit of knowledge.

Mostly the cops don’t care about Ali’s story; they just ask a zillion questions about Spencer.

Mona is in her bedroom listening to French records while her collection of terrifying dolls stare at her with their soulless eyeballs as she reads Le Grand Meaulnes for fun, because of course she reads Le Grand Meaulnes for fun. (“Who can say what obscure forces were then at work in a heart that had never been tamed?”) Her mom peeks her head in to say Mona has visitors, and she is so pleased to find out her daughter made friends, she offers to bake cookies in the middle of the night.

The Liars have come to ask Mona for help. As soon as the words are out of Hanna’s mouth, Mona snaps, “What did Ali do to you?” They tell her nothing – yet. So Mona and Spencer quote Winston Churchill together, verbatim, and stare at each other like a mirror for a second, just long enough that you can see Spencer register that fact that she could have been Mona and Mona could have been her, if Spencer didn’t always have the promise of a blanket fort to crawl into with Hanna and Emily and Aria. Mona goes, “Why, suddenly, have you acknowledged my boss ass bitchness? Aria, you say it, out loud.” And Aria says the truth: Because you’re Mona Motherfucking Vanderwaal.

Mona: Just in terms of the hundreds of hours I spent sending y’all Chinese food with worms in it and tricking Emily into getting massaged by Lucas, I guess I kind of owe you, but Ali might actually murder me if I help you out. Spencer: Are you for real scared of her? Mona: Yes, and so are you, bitch, or you wouldn’t be here. Hanna: Did your mom say something about cookies? Mona: Actually. I really am sorry for all the weird shit I did to you guys because I couldn’t handle all the weird shit Ali did to me. Hanna: But like chocolate chip ones, right? Mona: OK, I will help you. Liars: Thanks, we have to go. Hanna: Not me, I’m waiting on the cookies.

Outside Mona’s house, the Liars wonder what the heck Melissa’s confession tape has to do with anything and Spencer says it’ll bite them in the asses another day when they see it projected onto a giant mausoleum when they’re out for one of their late night graveyard strolls, but that’s a problem for Future Spencer, so she can’t deal with it right now. And inside Mona’s house, Mona hops on the phone and orders a Code A before zooming over to her hideout and finding out her entire army has defected to Alison’s army because, much like the soldiers in the Crusades, troops are switching sides willy-nilly based on who pays them better. And when you’re a teenager, nothing makes you richer than the social capital that comes with being besties with a girl who owns her own airplane and possibly the boat that ferries people to and from Hades.

Mona talks to herself in a lot of mirrors in this episode which potentially highlights the dichotomy of her dueling natures, especially when you juxtapose it to that amazing scene from the noir episode with the hundred mirrors, but also, when you’re Mona Vanderwaal, one of the only ways you can have a conversation with someone as smart as you is to literally just chat to your own self, so who knows, really. In her hideout, she looks in a mirror and says, “Do you think you can tell if you’re legit bonkers? I’m speaking of Alison, obviously.”

The next morning, in the Rosewood High bathroom, where all things are revealed and eavesdropped upon, the Liars and Mona come to an agreement: She will help them figure out what Ali told the police if they will help keep her alive so she can attend one of the three Ivy League schools that offered her early acceptance. Because they think Ali is A, and if Ali is talking to the police it means she’s bored of her Liar dolls and is ready to end this phase of the game.

Aria: When I think of myself as a doll, I’m like, “What makes me so special?” You know? Like Emily is probably one of those Disney Princess dolls and Spencer is for sure an American Girl one, like with a horse and a monocle or whatever, and I guess Hanna is sort of a Rainbow Brite. But am I the original doll, one of those early ones created by the ancient Egyptians and worshipped as a kind of deity?
Mona says Ali chose the Liars because controlling any of them on their own would be easy/boring, but controlling them as a multi-functional organism would be quite the challenge. When you assemble together a Ravenclaw, Gryffindor, Hufflepuff, and Slytherin who forge a bond against a common enemy in the crucible of cyber-terrorism, even the most clever sociopath would have a hard time getting her way. Or so Mona has heard.
Emily: Ali never really loved me. Aria: She never really loved any of us. Mona: Emily means it in a gay way, though, Aria. Shut up. God.
Cindy and Mindy bust up the meeting of NuLiars to do synchronized bathroom hijinks, including smirking creepily in unison. They are terrible.

In the hallway, Emily drops her book and Paige swoops in and scoops it up.

Emily: Hey, you’re back to being dressed normal, unlike the other night when you were dressed for, you know, whatever thing you were doing that very clearly involved contact with another lesbian. Or something. I guess. I haven’t given it much thought. I definitely haven’t thrown up thinking about another girl touching you or lost any sleep over it. Paige: It was a costume. It didn’t fit. Emily: Is that a metaphor, or like, you seriously can’t find a good costume in Rosewood now that Shana’s costume shop shut down? Paige: Was that a metaphor for Shana getting murdered? Aria: Was murdering Shana one of the things that makes me so special?

Paige pushes Aria out of the way and grabs Emily and smooches her right on the lips because processing is a necessity but sometimes a full-time mouth smackeroo is the only way to say the thing you mean. Emily’s eyes get so big when Paige is swooping in, but she closes them speedy-quick and kisses Paige right back because she’s borked up a lifetime’s worth of stuff with Paige these last few weeks; the least she can do is get the snogging right. When Paige pulls away, she shyly smile-shrugs and it’s somehow even more adorable than the McCullers head-dip. Emily smiles too and thinks how she sure could use a nap and a cuddle to recover from the 46 episodes of drama bombs that have exploded since the Halloween train, a thing that happened on Halloween of her senior year and today is the day before Thanksgiving of her senior year. That’s like 27 days, man. 27 days since Ali’s (Bethany’s?) body tumbled out of that drinks cooler.

And that’s the end of the show of Pretty Little Liars! Mona is alive and Paige and Emily are in love and Hanna is eating cookies!

Hurrah, great job everyone! Great show! The end! Thanks for everything!

I’m sorry, what?

There’s more?

Siiiiiiiiigh.

In preparation for the feast of Thanksgiving, Ezra bakes pies with Aria, and Toby role plays cop stuff with Spencer, because he is a police officer now. He’s got a uniform and a badge and everything because he graduated from the police academy in 21 minutes, according the timeline calculations I just presented to you re: senior year Halloween to Thanksgiving. It does shed some light on the incompetence of the Pennsylvania police corps.

Emily is decorating her house for Christmas the way you always knew she decorated her house for Christmas, wearing a t-shirt that says “This girl loves Christmas!” and handing out egg nog and name-checking her decorations (Snowy, Pingy, Wingy) and lecturing Hanna about finding Christmas in her heart and staging an elaborate Lion King ceremony with Paige hoisting the baby Jesus into the air while Emily hums a Swahili tune and Hanna releases some giraffes from the garage. It’s pretty awesome. Caleb doesn’t understand what’s going on because he’s never had a house to decorate for the holidays, because: he was homeless and then his uncle-dad lived in a barn and then his vampire landlord only celebrated death and now I think he lives in Hanna’s shower again.

Hanna’s phone rings. She lies to Caleb about how her mom wants cranberries for Thanksgiving dinner, but Caleb knows Hanna’s family better than all that, so he calls her out on it. The truth is, Mona has acquired the police footage of Ali’s polygraph test by hacking into RPD’s mainframe in a bathroom stall in Rosewood High during classes because she is better than me and you and everyone else on the planet.

In the Marin’s kitchen, there is no sign of Thanksgiving because Ashley is celebrating the holidays by drinking wine in the bubble bath because that lady always comes correct. The Liars and Mona and Caleb, who Mona invited because she knew Hanna would tell him anyway, watch the video of Ali’s interrogation. It’s all Spencer this and Spencer that and Aria’s like, “When do we get to the part when they start asking Ali what makes me so special?”

Spencer: Well, the police are certainly coming to arrest me for the murder of Bethany Young now that Ali told them about how Adderall made me all stab-y. Mona: They think you killed her to make Ali like you, which doesn’t make sense unless there’s a tie between Bethany and Ali that we don’t know about. Spencer: There’s only one place we can go to find out if that is true. Are you thinking what I’m thinking? Mona: Grab your nurse’s uniform, sweet buns! We’re going to Radley!
They do go to Radley and it is more wonderful than you can imagine. Hanna is forced to speak in code from her command post in the car while Aria continues to terrorize mental patients in art class while Mona and Spencer go wherever they want and read whatever files they want and finally accomplish a spy thing that is worthwhile. (If these two had gotten a tag-team “code go” in the pilot episode, this case would have been solved by the first midseason finale.)

What they discover by listening to the recordings of Bethany Young’s sessions is that Mrs. DiLaurentis was doing sexes with every married fellow in town, including Bethany’s dad, and Bethany was onto her shit. No amount of horse adoptions were going to make her forget how Mrs. D was boning her pops. Also, Bethany said she knew Mrs. D’s daughter, who is maybe Ali, but maybe Cece disguised as Ali, or maybe Ali disguised as Cece disguised as Ali, or Tippi on Pepe’s shoulders wearing an array of masks and squawking instead of talking but Bethany didn’t know that because she was an insane person. Or maybe Tippi speaks fluent English and just wanted to fuck with Spencer that one time with the phone number song. WHO’S TO SAY.

While the other Liars are Scooby-Doing, Emily lies to Paige about being sick so that she can get Ali alone and keep her busy.

Emily, on the phone with Paige: I’m going to crawl under the covers and – just jeans and a t-shirt, why? Oh. Oh! No, I definitely want to, it’s just that my throat is scratchy. Tomorrow, for sure. For sure for sure. Me too. More than you know. OK, bye. Ali, from the shadows: Hello, Clarice. Emily: What the cabbage, man! I thought I was about to get squished into juice! Ali: No, I came here to do gay stuff with you but I can tell from that call with Paige that you’re doing gay stuff with her again now. Emily: Must feel weird to be rejected by The Loyal One. Ali: So, I’m A, right? That’s what y’all have decided? Evil Alison with her dark magic powers. *makes cackling witch sound* Emily: Mona says you don’t have real magic because magic is just good science. Ali: Oh, Mona says? I thought you invited me over here because you wanted to be my friend even if you are doing gay stuff exclusively with Paige now, but I guess you’re just stalling me while the others are at Radley. Emily: How did you know that? Ali: Science.

 

Obviously Paige is outside Emily’s house with some homemade soup she cooked up from scratch and kept frozen in case Emily ever got a cold, but she is thwarted from making another nighttime food delivery by another someone who would probably like to tape her mouth shut! Maybe Ali is Bethany’s fake cousin! Paige spots Ali leaving and hides in the bushes and then follows her getaway car, which is of course being manned by Cindy and Mindy. Next thing you know there’s a car wreck but we have no idea who is actually in it, except for Officer Toby, who is texting and driving because Spencer was supposed to go to his graduation ceremony with him, but her brain is full-tilt Mona-Mania right now.

The next day is Thanksgiving Day. Toby is alive and sitting in traction in the Brew. Paige is also alive. She comes flying in talking like a person who had a full pot of whatever illegal coffee Spencer drinks.

Paige: I NEED TO TALK TO YOU EMILY ABOUT WHAT I SAW OUTSIDE YOUR HOUSE LAST NIGHT WHICH WAS ALI AND- Emily: I lied because…um….of… Paige: TELL ME ANOTHER TIME THE MAIN THING IS ALI IS BUILDING AN ARMY OF POSSIBLY CYBORG TWINS IN A BARN. Emily: That seems legit, actually.

Officer Holbrook: Sorry to interrupt your day of thanks, but Spencer is under arrest for a variety of shovel-related felonies including the murder of Bethany Young. Spencer: No. Liars: No! Toby: NOOOOOOOOOO!!!!!!!! Paige’s face: Calm down, brother; they’re not leading her to a firing squad out in the street.

Over at Mona’s, her mom is wearing a Red Coat and telling Mona to get on the road soon because it’s turkey time and Mona is saying she will do that when she’s finished with her homework, but basically she is just doing Bethany Young recon. She has a feeling someone is watching her because someone is watching her. That someone is blonde-haired and she breaks into Mona’s house with her blonde hair, and as soon as Mona finds evidence that Ali is A, and makes the call to Aria to confirm it, she is bludgeoned to literal death all over her house by the blonde hair. Bludgeoned in the bedroom, bludgeoned in the bathroom, bludgeoned in the kitchen, and on the staircase too. The place is a scene straight out of Game of Thrones by the time the cops show up, the Liars just standing in the street in pairs, flipping out. Hanna most of all.

Ali stands by herself. Her face is smug. But who knows if it’s a mask.

Officer Holbrook is like, “Mona Vanderwaal was murdered.” And the music is like, “Is this not the worst thing that has ever happened to you?” And let me tell you something: Yes. I was watching this episode with some friends and two of them were on the floor during this scene and I had already had like three PinkDrinks to deal with my feelings and all of us were shouting about how it couldn’t be for real because there was no body. Shouting-shouting. Like probably the neighbors filed a noise complaint, is how loud we were shouting.

The Risen Mitten has Mona’s body, though. And how I know is because of the #BooRadleyVanCullen-est thing you have ever seen on your TV in all your life: The Risen Mitten replaces the baby Jesus’ body in Emily’s nativity scene with a Mona Vanderdoll and throws Jesus in the trunk with dead Mona. (Marlene. MARLENE! I love you even when you’re torturing me!)

“Blink,” I shouted at the TV during this scene. “Blink goddammit! Blink!”

But Mona did not blink.

Suddenly, there was a violent earthquake, for the angels of war and love came down from heaven, opened up the trunk and sat on it. Their appearance was like lighting, and their clothes were black hoodies. The lesbians were so afraid of them that they shook and became like dead men. One angel said to the women gathered there, “Do not be afraid, for I know that you are looking for Vanderjesus, who was bludgeoned. She is not here. She has risen, just as she said. Come and look at the place where she was stashed. She has risen from the dead and is going ahead of you into the the flashback scenes. Now I have told you.”

So the lesbians hurried away from the trunk-tomb, afraid yet filled with joy, and ran to tell the internet. Suddenly Mona met them. “Laaaadies,” she said. The lesbians went to her, clasped her feet, and worshiped her. Then Vanderjesus said to them, “Do not be afraid. Go and tell my disciples to wait until the Christmas special; there they will see me.”

My deepest and most heartfelt thanks to Nicole (@PLLBigA) who saved my life by screencapping this whole season for me. Make sure you follow her on Twitter in the off-season for all your scoop and withdrawal needs. And thank y’all for sticking with me for another season. You’re the lumpin’ best. P.S. Bianca Lawson is on the Halloween special!

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