“Pretty Little Liars” recap (4.08): Come to Vanderjesus

 
 
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The main thing you need to know about Spencer this week is that she is wearing a full-blown Gryffindor uniform. The tie, the jacket, the skirt. The whole thing. I have this theory that every Slytherin secretly wants the glory of the Gryffindor name and every Gryffindor secretly wishes they could get away with Slytherin stuff, so it’s a nice touch to have the girl who opened the Chamber of Lesbian Ghost Waltz Secrets trying to pull off a Hermione Granger.

When Veronica breaks the news that she’s not going to be able to get Ashley out on bail, Spencer puts on her S.P.E.W. suit and books it on over to Radley. Her mom got a new intern onto whom she places the Imperius curse with exactly zero trouble. Once he is off doing her bidding, she steals some files from the Wilden case, and one of those files is Eddie Lamb’s police record! Having learned a thing or two about revisiting Radley in style from Mona, Spencer marches up into that joint with a cookie tin talking about, “Paying it forward in the name of mental health!” And then she opens her cookie box to reveal E. Lamb’s testimony in the case of Toby’s mom’s suicide.

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He doesn’t really want to talk to her about it, but she coaxes him into confessing what she already knows: That either Ms. Cavenaugh was tossed from her window by a blonde ghost in a red coat and a human face mask, or Ms. Cavenaugh could fly. That’s what Eddie told Wilden, actually, when he came to do the police report. But that’s not what that bitch wrote down. No, Wilden wrote that Ms. Cavenaugh jumped. Case closed.

Spencer takes the news to her mom, hoping that if they can collect enough testimony from enough Rosewood citizens to prove Wilden was dirty, they can convince a jury that either: a) everyone wanted him dead, so Ashely’s only one in a 7,987 suspects, or b) the world is better off without him anyway, so let’s throw Ashley the ticker-tape parade that she deserves.

Veronica Hastings is like, “You never change, do you?” And Spencer is all, “What? You mean out of this Hogwarts uniform? If it’s up to the lesbians, no. I will never change.”

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But the most important thing — in fact one of the greatest things of all time ever — is that Hanna spends one full day allowing Mona to hypnotize her into thinking she killed Wilden. It’s fucking fantastic on a number of levels. Like, number one, it’s very sweet what the Hardy Boys are trying to do and everything, but Toby has spent months thinking the Zippo lighter he found at the Thornhill Lodge was dropped there by a pirate from one of the great oceans northwest of Pennsylvania. (“Engraved with a compass and the initials N.W.? What else could it possible mean?”) And now he has taken off to New York to just go knocking on random doors and asking if Tippi the Bird is home. (“No? Tippi’s not in? Well, let me ask you this. Are there any red coat-wearing teenage pilots living here?”) And Caleb’s pretty much tapped out his hot spot magic. So Hanna let’s them do what they’re doing, but she knows she needs someone who can actually get shit done, and that skill is singularly possessed by Mona Vanderwaal.

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Hanna’s reason behind wanting to confess to killing Wilden, I think, is that her mom is not going to plead out and all the evidence is pointing toward a conviction, so we’re talking 20 years in jail minimum, but life or the electric chair most likely. But if Hanna confesses to it and convinces the cops that it was self defense, she’s looking at a relatively short stay in kid jail.

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