If Pam Fields had a time machine, I’ll bet she’d go back to that night she almost poisoned Maya at Emily’s first lesbian dinner and corner herself in the pantry and be like, “You think this shit is scary? Wait’ll a car drives through your wall. Wait’ll Ashley Marin goes to prison for murder. Wait’ll Ella Montgomery’s fucking BEE incident!”
The most exciting thing about Aria’s deal this week is that she spends half the time in a dress made out of comic books, which, while crazy as usual, is also the most awesome thing we have ever seen her wear, and I would like to procure just such an outfit for weddings and funerals. But like in pants. The gay lady version of that outfit. Ella is still at Donut Castle and Byron is at a Professor Convention in Boston or something, so Aria takes it upon herself to parent Mikey. She puts food and water under the DiLaurentis’ front porch and washes and irons his clothes and puts them in a waterproof sack and leaves them on the stoop.
At school, Mikey hints to Aria that his teammates are bullying him because of Connor’s car, but he doesn’t want her to worry because he has signed up for self-defense classes at Karate Jake’s dojo and he’s going to bro-out at a lacrosse party tonight, so everything should be chill and if it’s not, now he knows five ways to kill a person with his hands. Don’t panic, is his main thing.
Aria panics. She rushes over to Kung Fu Jake’s studio to make sure he’s teaching her brother all the proper hobbit defense techniques. He’s like, “Yes, duh, it is my job. Can you not tell by the way that I am only ever wearing a tank top that I am very serious about Tang Soo Do? It’s written right there on the bags I give out to new students: Tang Soo Do, Srlsy.” It’s my whole thing.
Aria goes home to sit in front of her living room window and await the inevitable car that will come crashing through the wall. The car never comes, of course, because she is Aria. But some screeching tires outside the window lead her to the conclusion that Mikey either has been murdered or is about to be murdered by his teammates. She calls his phone but a bro answers and says that Mikey is bro-ing, so chill out, slut who boned Mr. Fitz, and stop harshing their bro vibe. She understands that as code for “the lacrosse team has bludgeoned your brother with sports sticks,” so she calls up Kung Fu Jake and asks him to help her karate her way to saving her Mikey. Jake comes over just in time for Aria to receive a call from Mike saying he’s OK, but since Jake’s there anyway, she invites him to stay and watch television.
Kung Fu Jake: So, what do you want to watch? And don’t say some kind of lesbian free-trade vegetarian black-and-white art wanker bullshit.
Aria: Ah, that’s right. The only thing you and I have in common is we both like your deltoids.
Kung Fu Jake: Would you like to watch a commercial for the upcoming American supernatural horror flick, Insidious 2? It is a movie directed by James Wan.
Kung Fu Jake: In the film, Patrick Wilson and Rose Byrne reprise their roles as Josh and Renai Lambert, a husband and wife team who seek to uncover a secret that has left them dangerously connected to the spirit world.
Aria: Cool, that doesn’t sound like my actual life at all.
Kung Fu Jake: Perhaps we could see the film together on Sep 13, 2013, when it opens in wide release.
Aria: Did you seriously come to my house to do product placement for half an hour? Ezria shippers are going to have a field day with this.
Kung Fu Jake: What’s an “Ezria”?
Aria: Lesbian free-trade vegetarian black-and-white art wanker bullshit.