Hanna does not go to sleep. Instead she works herself up to berserk, zooming around the house jiggling door handles and looking under beds and pulling books from shelves in case any of them trigger secret passages and crawling around in the air vents and combing the backyard for holes. The one thing she misses is a locked closet in her mom’s room. It’s got a keyhole as big as something out of Alice in Wonderland. She can’t call Caleb because he’s out in the woods eating beans with his dad again, so she wakes up Aria and babbles like a nutbasket for ten minutes until Aria shuts her down. Hanna’s like, “Cool, cool. I’m just going to go sit down and have a think about the dumbest possible thing I can do with regards to this locked door and the contents contained therein.” Aria’s like, “Awesome. Just check in with me later so I can ignore more of your cries for help.”
What Hanna finds in Ashley’s closet is a handgun elegantly wrapped in a Hermes scarf (of course times two). What she does with it is press her fingerprints to every possible surface, stash it in her bag, and head on over to the campus of Cicero College, which, like every other college on earth, has a zero tolerance policy for weapons (of course times infinity). She calls Spencer and gives her chance to talk her out of it, but every other breath Spencer takes right now is just her whistling Tippy the Bird’s phone song.
Emily is packing for Cicero when her dad comes in to give her a pep talk and a wad of Benjamins.
Papa Fields: Take this money for gas and maybe take your lady out for a nice meal or something.
Emily: My lady?
Papa Fields: Your bird? Your girl? What are you kids calling it these days? Spencer. Buy her a fancy dinner.
Emily: My girlfriend is Paige, Dad.
Papa Fields: Not Spencer?
Papa Fields: Huh. I’m sorry. I just — I really thought with the plaid and the overachieving and the field hockey and the way she stares at you sometimes. I thought there was … something. A spark.
Emily: Spencer stares at everything like that. She once burned a hole through a banana by looking at it really hard.
Papa Fields: OK, well, get a handbag or a new jean jacket or some steroids or something like that. Love you, baby girl. Have a good trip.
Aria asks Byron to release Ella to the sea, but Byron says he cannot do such a thing because without her constant supervision, there’s really no telling when one of his former grad students/mistresses will kidnap Aria from school, drag her by her hair all the way across town, club her over the head with a frying pan, and lock her in the basement. But in a total surprise move, Byron catches the good parenting epidemic that’s spreading all over town and actually does Ella to go to Donut Castle. He promises he’ll keep Aria from getting killed by any of his bonkerdoodle girlfriends and he’ll put food and water under the DiLaurentis’ porch every morning and every night for Mike.