“Pretty Little Liars” recap (4.05): “It ain’t Tippi the Bird”

 
 

Ashley Marin seeks out Veronica Hastings for some legal counsel even though having two mothers in the same room at the same time in Rosewood is liable to tear the fabric of the universe in half and pitch the earth out past Andromeda. Ashley goes, “Hypothetical scenario: Rosewood PD has a murder board with all arrows pointing toward me as the killer of a copper. Can you help me?” And Veronica is like, “Can I ever. I was working on a case to keep Ian Thomas out of jail for murdering Ali, but that fucker snuffed it off the bell tower down at the Presbyterian church. Then I was working the case of Garrett Reynolds, also accused of murdering Ali, and that asshole got tossed off a damn train. So, yep, my work load is wide open. Everyone I represent gets axe-murdered right away.”

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Good choice, Ashley. You and Hanna: Just full of good choices this week.

Spencer shows up late for her meeting with her admissions pimp, but he’s so far under Emily’s spell he has no idea how to even tell time anymore. One of the reasons Emily’s game is so potent is because she doesn’t have any idea how much game she’s actually got. What, these shoulders? This face? This soul woven together with kitten fur and phoenix feathers and hedgehog smiles? Aw, shucks.

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Troian’s face is an even bigger marvel than usual this week. It’s always doing face gymnastics for us, but this week is the real gold medal event. She suggests to Brenden that she’d rather visit Cicero College than Brown over the weekend and when he agrees, Spencer’s eyebrows shoot to the sky and she smirks and invites Emily along for the ride.

Aria returns home to find Mike playing Candy Crush on his iPad. She doesn’t welcome him home or exchange any pleasantries. She just storms over and snatches away his video games and goes, “What the fuck, dude? You come home after two years of rootin’ around under the DiLaurentis’ porch and now you suddenly need mom? Well, tough luck, brother. I talked to my friend Caleb and he said according to the Hobo Code, you forfeit your right to parental involvement after no less than 18 months of living like a vagabond.” Mike is mad. And it’s kind of scary, too, ’cause he really hulked up while he was doing his wayfaring. He says Aria only wants Ella to go Donut Castle so she can get back to “boffing(!!!)” Mr. Fitz. Aria shoves him so hard because that’s so last season. She’s a part of this show now which means everyone she loves is in danger of vehicular manslaughter (either the giving or receiving of), or being framed for some terrible crime that was really committed by a doll wearing a mask of its own face, or BEES. OK, Mike Montgomery? Motherfucking bees are in play now. She shoves him to prove her point. It’s not very effective. She was smart to sign up for karate.

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Ashley and Hanna have their daily dose of acting squirrelly with each other. Ashley half-asks if Hanna’s going to tour some colleges and Hanna half-answers that guides walking backwards make her nauseous and Hanna half-asks if Ashley’s ready to ‘fess up to shooting Wilden in the face with a stolen gun and Ashley half-answers that Hanna should hush and eat her dinner. They’re really working up to some top-notch weirdness when the phone rings. The landline phone. Luckily, the Marins have two landlines in their kitchen — because, remember, they also have a fax machine — so Hanna is able to listen in to Veronica telling Ashley to come to her law office first thing in the morning.

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