Ashley Marin(!) is home from New York(?), so Hanna tries as diplomatically as possible to ask her if she maybe possibly conceivably shot a bunch of holes in Det. Wilden’s head and then stuffed his dead body in the trunk of his own police car underneath the body of a literal pig. Ashley’s like, “Did I hate him like the flames of hell licking at my insides? Yes. Did I hit him with a car and drive off and leave his limp body in the middle of the woods? Yes, I did that also. But did I murder him? Hanna, be serious.” Hanna sighs and produces her mom’s phone. She goes, “Mona and Spencer either pried this from Wilden’s embalmed fingers, or someone left it in the mailbox.” Ashley snatches it up, grins, and marvels about how many good people are left in the world.
Spencer gets a rejection letter from UPenn, which shocks and saddens her, even though the way she applied to that college was to hand-deliver a physical application to CeCe Drake at a teenage rager in a cabin in the woods where homeless lesbians live in the walls and games of truth or dare end in carnage.
I have given Aria Montgomery a lot of shit for a lot of seasons on this show, but this week, she is a marvel. She and Hanna meet up to walk to school and shout at each other about their continued doom spiral. Aria goes, “Look, Hanna, I get that moving vehicles just bounce right off of you at this point, but if we’re a herd of cattle, I’m the veal. Now that A has realized I exist, I’m not sure I’ll live through the week.” Hanna shouts, “BLACK VEIL RED COAT MELISSA HASTINGS NEFARIOUS LESBIANS!” And then, when she spots Shana enjoying a donut al fresco, she stomps her ass right over there starts dropping truth torpedos like an impeccably dressed tactical bomber: “Don’t pretend you don’t see me, girl! I know you saw me seeing you scrape up Wilden off the ground after my mom mowed him down in her Lexus! I know you’re one half of The ShennaBot Thing!” Aria drags Hanna away and the whole time she’s still screaming about, “… making monkey with a Cylon!” Shana’s is really really really pretty. I mean, stay away from Emily, evilness, but hello also.
In the school computer lab, Paige* has taken U-Hauling to a whole new level. She’s constructed a Sims situation with a dorm room, complete with “puffy drapes.” Emily takes one look at it and goes, “Well, for starters, let’s not pretend we’re going to sleep in twin beds. But also, my precious eager beaver, Stanford still hasn’t come knocking on my door.” Paige, who has never had a single second of experience in not wanting Emily, assures Emily that Stanford also is going to want her. She kisses** her and tries to scoop her up into a hug and ends up re-injuring the shoulder Emily injured when she was whisking Veal and Vandercalf to safety last night. Emily tells Paige she slept funny and it’s no big deal and also maybe she can’t swim in the meet today, except she knows she has to swim because she knows Stanford is riding on it which means her future with Paige is riding on it and she wants it so badly. Too badly. They’re too happy. This is only going to end in heartbreak for all of us.
(*Paige is wearing the same plaid Spencer was wearing when she was making that salad matrix in the cold open, which leads me to believe that Paige is still carrying on a secret competition with Spencer in her own mind, and probably knew she owned the same shirt as Spencer but wore it to school anyway and awarded herself ten gay points for kissing her girlfriend in it.)
(**Paige must have taken a masterclass in kissing techniques over the winter hiatus or something because the way she caresses Emily’s head and face when she’s kissing her this week is fucking legend.)