Hanna and Mona return home from an afternoon of intense shopping and Mona finally tells Hanna she knows that she’s only pretending to be her friend. But then she makes the big gesture and gives Hanna the hard drive from Wilden’s car. She tells her that even when she was running under her with a car, she really did love her.
Emily kisses Paige goodnight in her car, and finds her blissful sapphic bubble popped by the presence of Jenna Marshall. She goes, “Did you slither on down here to comment on my love life?” But no, Jenna slithered on down here to tell Emily to tell Toby she’s sorry about all that rapey incest stuff. She’s got a gun and a girlfriend who can disguise her in one of ten million costumes, but she figures she’s not long for this world now that all the hundred people who saw Ali the night she was murdered are also getting murdered. Emily’s like, “Well, anyway, I’m still wearing this shirt and this is my bare stomach now, so good evening, madam.”
At home, Spencer gets the feeling that someone is peeping on her, and indeed someone is peeping on her, and that someone is her half-brother’s mother, Mrs. Wackadoodle DiLaurentis. If she was drinking milk and chopping vegetables and filming Spencer through the blinds, I’d think she was a reincarnated Ian. Spence also gets a message from A telling her to check out the inside of Wilden’s casket for the next clue on the scavenger hunt that has become her own personal “Hounds of Zaroff.” Mona gets the same message and so they tag-team Wilden’s coffin and find Hanna’s mom’s phone. So, I guess Ashley Marin is A’s next target.
After the funeral — during which Aria spends the whole time scowling at Maggie and Ezra, and Mona spends the whole time scowling at the Liars on their four-seater pew, and Spencer spends the whole time scowling at this lady wearing a black lace veil, and Emily spends the whole time scowling at Jenna — everyone gets new text from A. It’s a Biblical allusion because they’re at church and A likes her themes: “The truth won’t set you free. I’m going to bury you with it. -A.”
To make matters even more complicated, there’s a new detective in town and he’s now obsessed with Liars because of the way Detective Wilden was obsessed with the Liars. He gives them a heads up that he’ll be calling them all down to the station real soon to discuss their many altercations with the law. There’s no escaping a “possesion of shovel” charge once it’s on your record.
And then there’s Toby, who breaks Mona’s mobile lair out of its hiding place and drives it to meet A because she promises information to him about his dead mom. On the way, he flashes back to when he dressed like Charlie Brown and cried alone in alleyways when little kids hurt his feelings. Ali tried to kiss him one time while saying shitty things about his dying mother and he told her to leave and so she stormed out and called him a loser. He cries in the flashback and he cries in the flashforward and it’s a good thing he’s not listening to Spencer’s breakup playlist or he’d for sure drive that winnebago right off a cliff.
The Risen Mitten dresses up a new doll in a black hoodie and sets it inside her dollhouse with the other Liars. Then she examines her mask face in the mirror. It’s kind of burned up, but that’s OK. You can buy those Ali masks at the Costco in Rosewood, 100 of them for only five dollars.
As always, my biggest and bestest thanks to Maggie Rose (@margaretrosey), the greatest screencapper in all the lands! Welcome back, everyone!