“Pretty Little Liars” recap (4.01): Unicorn Planet

Rosewood High court yard. Emily forgets who she’s sitting with for a second and tries to have a conversation with Aria about how to tell Paige about Wilden, but Aria has fine-tuned her hearing to only register noise when it has something to do with her, so she talks right over Emily about how Ezra looks shockingly similar to the way he looked in the pilot episode, right down to the choir boy hair and the sweater vest. She is stirred from her nostalgic ruminations by Vice Principal Hackett who scowls at her and mouths, “I can read your thoughts, you whore!” Aria tries to think of something besides Ezra, but she hasn’t been able to do that in over two years.

Hanna is wearing a wig and it must be true that Mona really loves her because she doesn’t go, “Whoa! Your head!” when Hanna walks up to her in the hallway. A random student tries to engage Mona in a conversation, but she dismisses him in French, and turns her full attention to Hanna, who is using pronouns like “us” and “we” and causing Mona’s heart to bang around in her chest like a baby bird perched on the edge of its very first tree limb. The way you know Mona is truly trying to reform is that she takes a deep breath and tells Hanna not to say “we” unless she means it, instead of running helter skelter through the Pennsylvania countryside looking for Caleb so she can axe-murder him and take Hanna as her wife. They agree to reconnect this afternoon, like old times, with some shopping and some gossiping and a possible visit to Lucky Leon’s Cupcakes. (And french fries and/or Kissing.)

Aria, meanwhile, is creeping on Mr. Fitz from behind a locker door and I guess Hackett’s intuition works even behind closed doors because he summons her to his office and produces several dozen glossy 8x10s of her and Ezra just full on doing it. He’s like, “Well, these arrived this morning, along with some more artistic shots of the inside of your ear, from the studio of Jason DiLaurentis, so guess who’s expelled and guess who’s headed to prison?” Aria zooms out of his office and into the hallway where Ezra is being led away in handcuffs. She cries. Oh, she cries. And then she shakes herself out of her daydream.

Hackett only called her to his office to give her some paperwork for Ella, but Aria’s so shaken up by the first lucid thought she’s ever had about the legal and ethical repercussions of boning her teacher that she sends him a text and says she’s going to start seeing other people. Maybe his brother. Maybe a hobbit with a heart condition. Maybe she’ll just hold a competition to see who can sling a pizza the farthest.

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