“Pretty Little Liars” recap (4.01): Unicorn Planet

The Liars split up to deal with their individual business.

Pam (hi, Pam!) comes home from work early to find Emily and Hanna squabbling over Mona’s trustworthiness, but she breaks it up and asks Emily to take a gift basket over to the old DiLaurentis place because Mrs. D is moving back to town to set up a crazy shop. Emily is like, “Sure thing, Mom. Visiting the DiLaurentis place with a gift basket has never sets into motion an unbreakable chain of events that ends with me wailing and writhing and sobbing my eyeballs out in the middle of the road while the coroner wheels away the body of another girl I’ve made monkey with.”

Mrs. D is equally insensitive to the long line of lesbian deaths Emily has suffered because of her home. When Emily shows up with a gift basket — which, amazingly, contains a bottle of champagne, like, “Congratulations on having the balls to move back into the house where every homo goes to die!” — she asks Emily to help carry some boxes of Ali’s stuff inside to Ali’s room. Emily is all, “So, I mean, you’re just moving all around the country with Ali’s collection of animal bones and spider juice and frog brains and clown knickknacks and stuff?” Mrs. D says that’s exactly what Ali would have wanted, which is totally true and Emily knows it.

She calls Hanna to tell her Mrs. D is building an Ali shrine in Ali’s old room, and Hanna goes, “Don’t worry about it, dude; once Lucas gets word of it, he’ll rock up in there in his muddy shoes and tear that shit right down.” Hanna’s main worry is that Mrs. D is actually just setting up Ali’s room so Ali can move back in, so Emily explains that even though you sometimes think you see Ali, and even though you sometimes think she rescued you from a lodge fire or an exhaust-filled barn, and even though you sometimes think you got to second base with her, it’s only your imagination.

Hanna follows Mona to some abandoned garage in the woods, where she locks up the lair to keep it safe from Ali’s ghost and those terrifying children for a few days. Hanna really wants the hard drive from Wilden’s police car, and since just asking for it didn’t work, she tries a different thing. She goes, “Hey, Mona, you know there’s stuff in that camper that could bring us all down, right?” Mona sighs, says, “It’s been a long time since I’ve allowed myself to imagine a scenario that involves ‘us’ and ‘going down,’ Hanna.” And then she hops in the car and buckles up for her ride back to town.

Aria is doing some journaling at the Brew when Ezra wanders in to also do some journaling at the Brew. Aria tries to sneak out, but she’s wearing seven-inch titanium moon boots, so Ezra hears her trying to clomp away. She says, “Should we share some tea, some talk of you and me?” And he bursts into tears because it’s just so Aria to be wearing astronaut shoes and quoting T.S. Eliot. He can’t have tea with her though, can’t talk about her dragonskin petticoat that trailed along the floor, because he’s taken a permanent job at Rosewood High again because he has medical bills to pay because one time Aria punched his son in the face and knocked him off the bed and he had to get stitches and a cast and everything, and town physician/psychiatrist/optometrist/veterinarian Dr. Wren Kingston doesn’t work for free.

Toby and Spencer go rooting around in the crispy lodge wreckage and run up against another ghost. Spencer goes, “Was that another ghost?” And Toby goes, “Yeah, probably, whatever, I’m hungry, let’s go get a sandwich.”

But what they really get is shacked up. Since Spencer has a ten bedroom house and no family, Toby stays the night with her. In the morning, he cooks her breakfast and smiles like the sun at her and says “boyfriend” about a thousand times until she’s literally shivering. He’s like, “I know; I like the way it sounds too.” And she is like, “No, dude, I haven’t had coffee in six minutes. I’m getting withdrawal tremors.” They hug and Toby gets a text from A about how he must still be so sad that he never really found out how his mother was murdered to death.

You know I loved seeing Spencer cracked wide open like a lunatic, but boy howdy, am I ever a sucker for seeing her put back together again.

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