“Pretty Little Liars” recap (4.01): Unicorn Planet


To complete her initiation into the group, Mona even offers to give them a tour of her lair, which she calls her “casa,” because who wouldn’t call a winnebago home when it was chock full of clown masks and severed doll heads and a collage of dead girl photos a zillion hours of surveillance footage and burlap baby-face zombie costumes and weapons of mass destruction and blueprints of hell. On the way to the lair, they spy the cops checking out Wilden’s swamped-up car. They also spy a very dead Wilden lying in the street.

“Kill the pig! Cut her throat! Spill the blood!”

“We pigs are brainworkers. The whole management and organisation of this farm depend on us. Day and night we are watching over your welfare. It is for your sake that we drink that milk and eat those apples.”

Toby has been hanging around outside the charred lodge all night, playing with the lighter he found on the forest floor when he awoke from getting clocked in the skull by The ShennaBot Thing. He flicks it on and flicks it off and flicks it on and flicks it off while watching the fire department sift through the rubble. They find a burned up red coat, of course, and Toby’s eyeballs nearly pop right out of their sockets.

In Mona’s lair, the Liars take turns getting offended by what they find. There’s video footage of Wilden dressed in drag as the Queen of Hearts on the Nightmare Express, chatting up the other Queen of Hearts — Mona says it’s Melissa — about how they’re going to throw Aria from the train. And there’s that Phantom of the Opera mask that Mona wore over that Ali mask that time when she was rubbing all up on Hanna. Hanna goes, “Seriously, man?” And Mona is like, “If you haven’t yet worked out that this whole entire thing is a ploy for our eventual marriage, you’re dumber than that time when Aria dressed up like Lord Licorice.” Their reminiscing is interrupted by: a) someone hacking into Mona’s laptop and deleting all the important things, and b) some creepy kids with echo voices calling for Alison to come out, come out, wherever she is.

Spencer’s face goes, “Hide and seek? Oh, fuck yes.”

The Liars dart from Mona’s winnebago out into … a portable-lair docking station? There’s a playground nearby and five little girls dressed like five tiny Liars playing with five Liar-shaped dolls. Aria is the one who reaches out to them because she was a stepmother not too long ago, so she has a way with children. The Aria doll has a pink stripe in its hair, the Mona doll is dressed like her church mouse days, the Hanna doll is wearing a doll fat suit(!), the Spencer doll comes with a string of pearls, and the Emily doll is listening to Beyonce on a tiny toy iPod and liking it just a little too much. The kids say they got the dolls from Alison, who started playing with them as soon as Mona docked her lair here.

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