Previously on Pretty Little Liars, Alison DiLaurentis punched the space-time continuum in the teeth and knocked it out long enough for her to: fly from Hilton Head to Philadelphia (like literally fly; as in, she was the pilot of the plane); visit Jenna in blindness rehab; take a cab to Rosewood; rent a storage locker for one of her many lunchboxes full of clues; hide the key to the storage locker in a doll’s head in Emily’s bedroom; make some porn with Ian at the kissing rock; entertain visits from Jason, Cece, Melissa, Byron, Jenna, Garrett, and Spencer in her backyard; attend a sleepover with her high school best friends; rub Toby’s DNA all over her monogrammed friendship bracelet; and get clonked in the head and buried alive and pulled up out of the dirt like a winter tulip by a psychic sorority mom who lived in the walls of Cicero College. Like in the span of what should have been a single Labor Day, Alison DiLaurentis accomplished all of that. And so much more.
Let’s do it like this: With the help of Noel Kahn, who I guess was Ali’s grandma’s neighbor in Georgia on the other side of the yard, the side where Shana’s family didn’t live, the Liars meet up with Ali at her place of employment. She has decided to come clean to them, a thing she couldn’t figure out how to do, except for in bits and pieces hidden away inside porcelain doll skulls tucked away in haunted houses flush with mad mirrors, these last few years. Have a cup of coffee and settle in for a tale to beat all tales from the world’s most fabulous fabulist. (Just kidding; don’t drink the coffee — it is 100 percent roofied.)
What you know: Ali spent most of Labor Day weekend in Hilton Head, where Ian won a golf tournament and paid for a lover’s suite for two at Tippi B&B.
The whole story: Ali had been getting threatening texts from A and severed, blood-soaked doll parts in the mail ever since that Halloween where one of the baby-face burlap-sack zombies menaced her in an abandoned house, so she thought a romantic weekend away with Melissa’s boyfriend was just the thing she needed. Unfortunately for her peace of mind, Melissa showed up and went full Hastings on the situation. When Ali overheard Ian saying he was just messing around with Ali to pass the time until Melissa came back to him, she allowed herself three nanoseconds of hurt feelings before shifting into combat mode and hacking into his computer. Her first instinct, by the way; the hacking. Caleb would be so impressed. What she found was a hard drive full of peeping tom vids, courtesy of the NAT Club, including a clip of Jenna forcing Toby to make monkey with her.
What you know: Ali visited Jenna at Philadelphia’s Hospital for Newly Blind Sexy People.
The whole story: Ali thought maybe it was Jenna who was doing the A stuff to her. Maybe she was mad ’cause Ali wore it better re: Lady Gaga on Halloween. Maybe she was mad because Jenna had eyes for Emily at said Halloween party, but Emily only had eyes for Ali. Or maybe, just maybe, she was mad because those eyes she had for Emily were no longer working at all due to being hit right in the face with a firecracker thrown by Alison DiLaurentis. Either way, she had plenty of reasons to be pissed as literal hell at Ali. So Ali popped by for a visit and showed her the video she found on Ian’s computer of the monkey-making with Toby and his hair. Ali promised to release the video into the wild if the texts didn’t stop.
What you know: Ali wore a yellow shirt for one million hours on the one night she was murdered.
The whole story: Ali put on that shirt and went downstairs, where her mother was having a frantic phone conversation about, “You have to send someone right now! I’m very worried! Fuck you, suck a pair of frog nuts, you do what I say!” Alison was halfway out the door when Jessica told her to march her ass right back upstairs and settle in for the night. Ali told her if she was worried about the bullying situation, she could dial it back, because she had a list she was working from and tonight was the night she was going to figure out a way to subdue every single potential threat. Jessica DiLaurentis, she just huffed and said, “Do you have eight sets of eyeballs, because if not, you can forget about ever leaving your room again, due to: there are four Hastingses and you can’t turn your back on any of them.” But then she picked back up her phone and started squawking, so Ali borrowed some of her sedation pills and hit the trail.