“Pretty Little Liars” recap (4.23): Nice day for a Red Wedding

 
 

Things aren’t going much better, Mother/Daughter relations-wise, over at the Montgomery’s. Aria is trying to find a way to tell Ella about what happened with Ezra without spilling the chickpeas on the True Crime novel. But Ella’s phone keeps buzzing and buzzing. It’s the Pastry Prince and he simply cannot sleep until he talks to Ella. Aria tells her to take the call, then punishes her for taking the call, which is a total teenager move and it actually breaks/warms my heart that Aria only gets to act like this when her mama is around. Don’t you leave us again, Ella Montgomery!

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The Liars have reached a dead end trying to trace Ali’s last batch of noodle dollars back to her. They need to get in touch with her to tell her she’s in danger, which: I’m guessing she knows on account of she faked her own death and has been on the run for five years. Hanna’s got a new plan. They’re all going to model dresses for Jessica’s charity bridal show, which will give them unfettered access to Ali’s bedroom, which is something they haven’t been able to secure since Spencer broke in and attacked Veronica a couple of weeks ago during her allergic reaction to OTC meds. No one has a better idea, so they agree.

Bridal show staging room. I don’t want to say “cleavage” but there’s no way to avoid it, so let’s go ahead and get that out of the way right now. Cleavage. So, everyone is dressed like brides and everyone is tasked with a different assignment.

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First of all, Aria makes up with Ella, who is so wonderful in every way. I want Ella to hug me so tight. Turns out Pastry Prince was just calling and calling last night because he wanted to know if Ella had dropped the news that he’d proposed marriage to her. Aria is excited for her mom and also for the idea that you can fall in love more than once in your lifetime. Speaking of which marvel: Travis is parking cars at this event and when Hanna asks for his help distracting Mrs. D, he lets one of his co-parkers back up into a mailbox so he’ll have a reason to chat to the mistress of the house. And then he smooches Hanna right on her lips. He really is a dreamy fellow. But also he needs to pack his bags.

Things don’t go super well for Spencer, as you’ll remember from the beginning of the episode. Jason feeds her some bollocks on toast about rehab, something Dean Stavros overhears when he drops by to give Spencer his card. Stavros is like, “That rehab facility that guy said he was in? It shut down years ago.” (Hundreds of years ago. To this day, people claim to hear the screams of the ghosts of the patients who were treated for their Adderall addiction with brain shock therapy, and the tinklings of a phonograph. Some say it is the rumba, the favorite song of lesbian ghosts, dancing a vertical expression of their horizontal desire.) That news is followed up by quite a sight: Mrs. D making a hand-off in the woods to an invisible ninja. Spencer goes chasing after the ninja, screaming, “Ali! Ali! Come back!” Because when a girl is in hiding, the best way to help her out is to shout her name repeatedly as loud as you can.

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And that’s when the bear trap claps shut—on Spencer’s veil.

She runs back to the house, caked in mud and blood, to find out that Emily and Hanna have cracked at least one of Ali’s email accounts and arranged a meet-up with her in Philly on this very night. They help her take off her corset because she’s about to puke, and of course her corset is lined with finger bones. They were just grabbing at her tits all night and she didn’t even know it. It’s one of A’s skeeviest moves ever. The hair on my neck has been standing up about it for two days now.

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