“Pretty Little Liars” recap (4.23): Nice day for a Red Wedding


At school, Emily is still just a-bitchin’ about her bitch-ass girlfriend when Paige walks right in on the conversation. Spencer slices through the awkwardness with a machete and escapes through the window.


Emily: How was your family in Maine,¬†the land where smart phones aren’t very smart or else girls would call their girlfriends.
Paige: The way you’re italicizing random words like you’re in a comic book makes me think you’re about to punch me in the face.
Emily: Like you punched Alison in the face?
Paige: I beg your pardon.
Emily: I know about the note that wrote to the police. You’ve been running a long con on me for years, hoping Alison would really be alive, flying around in her airplane, wearing a mask of her own face, a porcelain doll as her co-pilot, wanting me to lead you to her so you can get your revenge for the way she almost caused your internalized homophobia to kill you.

Paige: Are you drunk right now? Are you under the Imperius Curse?
Emily: You sold out Alison!
Paige: Unlike you and your best buds, I don’t have an inexplicable loyalty to the girl who made my life a hellscape of insecurity and loneliness for multiple years.
Emily: And apparently you don’t have any loyalty to me either!
Paige: Yeah, it must really suck alpaca nuts when your girlfriend isn’t loyal to you. Can’t imagine what that must feel like.

Emily marches her beautiful, demon possessed ass right out of that bathroom, slamming the door behind her.

Hanna spies Travis pushing a library trolly around the hallways, which somehow makes him even more adorable and I thought about #AwwwTravis-ing it for five seconds like ABC Family suggested, but they I read that Caleb is coming back next season and so my heart closed right up to anyone who isn’t my beautiful hobo. But Hanna’s heart is bigger and more pliable than mine could ever hope to be. She apologizes for blowing him off the other night due to her secret life as a private investigator/victim of perpetual assault. His feelings are hurt, so he ignores her, but you can hear the thoughts in his brain the whole time he’s walking away, all, “Stupid, stupid, stupid, she was trying to ask you out on another date!”

Over at the DiLaurentis place, Jessica sends Ashley upstairs to look for some place cards when she sees Detective Holbrook pull up in his squad car.

So, outside: Holbrook tells Jessica that they’re going to exhume Ali’s remains to see if it really is Ali inside that coffin because what’s weirding him out is that Ali apparently had a broken arm (from slapping a baby in the face too hard, no doubt) but the coroner didn’t report a broken arm on the body in Ali’s grave. Jessica is mad as shit that he’s gonna dig up that grave again because, assuming she really is A, she’s done plucked all the teeth and (spoiler alert) finger bones from that skeleton, which is just another in a litany of federal offenses she’s committed. She tells Holbrook to scram and stop making that face, which kind of hurts his feelings ’cause that face is just his face.


And, upstairs: Ashley finds a bag of new clothes in Ali’s room, just purchased yesterday, and in case you are confused about what you’re looking at, she says out loud, “Clothes in Ali’s room! That were just purchased yesterday!” Jessica appears in a cloud of green smoke and snaps, “Does this look like the guest room where I told you to find the place cards??” (It does not. It looks like a shrine to a dead girl.)

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