Travis and Hanna’s date is going really well until Mrs. D slithers up and makes it weird. I hope she never leaves the show, I am so serious, she creeps me out worse than just about anybody. I don’t know who this actress is who plays her but even her posture is aggressive and awkward and menacing and proper. The way she never blinks. I love her. She’s scary as hell. Anyway, she crashes the date for just long enough to make the air 20 degrees cooler and also to say she’s heading on down to the precinct to talk to some detectives about a note they found. After that, Hanna just fully checks out on her date.
Emily, amazingly, has the gonads to stand directly behind Mona while she’s backing up out of her driveway in Jenna’s old car. Mona slams on the breaks and rolls down her window and rolls her eyes when Emily is like, “Going to meet with Ezra Fitz or do you have a second to tell me some shit.” Mona always has a second for Emily. Here’s her deal: When she found out Fitz was writing a True Crime novel, she agreed to tell him stuff if he agreed to edit out the parts that could send her to jail. (In a book in which he details a litany of felonies he perpetrated against underage girls.) Things got complicated when she realized she couldn’t just mess with Mike to spy on Aria, but before she got out, she found out that Fitz knows who stole the game from her when she was in Radley.
(Chrrrriiiist on a cracker, Shay Mitchell is gorgeous.)
Aria finds out too. She goes to his apartment and tells him to get the hell out of Rosewood because she doesn’t want to see his face when she’s running around on this one street with her friends and it’s the fucking least he can do. He actually kind of agrees, and even though he didn’t publish his book and won’t publish his book, he wants her to read his book. She does. She calls an SOS Liars meeting.
When they assemble together for the first time in days (whew! I missed us!) they abide by the rules of Liars club: Whoever sent the SOS gets to go first. And so Aria drops the bomb that Mrs. DiLaurentis has been A ever since Mona went to Radley. Actually, everybody drops bombs. Spencer says Mrs. D and CeCe say they saw her attack Ali and now she’s remembering that she attacked Ali. Emily says Mona broke up with Mike. Even Aria looks at her like, “You might need a refresher on what constitutes a thing we care about.” And Hanna drops a bomb, too.
After one of my all-time favorite Shay Mitchell line deliveries …
Hanna: Hey, Em, can I ask you something?
Emily: We don’t have any cheesy puffs; my mom says they have chemicals in them that make your face break out.
… Hanna tells Emily that Paige sent a letter to the police telling them Ali is alive, which she discerned from reading the letter and seeing Paige’s handwriting spelling out the word “EMILY” on Emily’s bulletin board. Lord, Spencer’s going to have to go back to Radley when she realizes what Hanna has accomplished while she’s been down the rabbit hole.
At home, Mike and Aria bond about how they’re not so good at picking out romantic partners.
Also at home, Veronica Hastings comes unglued when she catches Spencer sneaking back in the house. I had to pause the TV I laughed so hard when Veronica goes, “Were you out looking for drugs?!” Like there’s some kind of shady back alley where all the kids go in the middle of the night to buy that hard street drug Adderall. Spencer tries to explain that it was important but her mother has never and will never understand how important clues are. Spencer is like, “Can you tell me what happened that summer I was blanking, the summer Ali disappeared?” But nope. Veronica Hastings will not.
Up in her bedroom, Spencer creeps to the window when she sees Ali’s bedroom light come on and then! Mrs. D appears in the shadows! I thought she was wearing a red coat but it’s just a red(ish) blouse but it was still so scary! And awesome! She’s insane!
The Risen Mitten sews some wedding dresses and stashes them in a body bag because, bitches, there’s another fashion show next week. All fingers crossed that Satan crashes this one too.