Previously on Pretty Little Liars, Spencer’s parents, who couldn’t have been less fussed when she was waltzin’ with homosexual ghosts in an insane asylum, staged a tag-team intervention to help her kick her Adderall habit. Hanna kept Aria from jumping off a bridge, saved a semi-innocent man from going to jail, and still found time to throw down an inappropriate smooch on Detective Holbrook. Aria went berzerker all over Ezra’s apartment, just a-trashin’ and a-thrashin’ and a cry-cry-cryin’ buckets of tears. And Emily and Paige put each other into super gross, super impossible situations that ultimately resulted in Paige diming out Ali (anonymously) to the most incompetent police department in America.
Spencer returns from rehab, still trippin’ balls on her memory of cracking Ali’s skull open with a shovel, to find that her parents have purchased her a live-in counselor/teacher/rehabologist named Dean Stravos. They take away her phone and her laptop and her keys and she deals with it pretty graciously. She doesn’t say, “Yeah, well I don’t need keys for Mona to climb in my window and teleport us both to another dimension via the portal of her own mind.” Stravos will be living in the barn, which hopefully was cleansed with holy water (scotch, rocks) after Ian moved out.
Anyway, Stravos is wearing a henley and a vest and some eyebrows I refuse to take seriously. He hands Spencer a cup to pee in and she says she will fill it with her dignity.
Aria, also, will not be attending to the other Liars this week as she has decided to take a mental health break slash campus visit to Syracuse University. It takes her about four minutes to find a flannel-wearing, guitar-playing, pretty little dude hair-having guy to romp around town with. They drink, they dance, they canoodle, her level of trust in this fellow she just met is staggering considering the fact that her boyfriend of three years revealed himself as a stalker of little girls not two weeks ago. It is mind-boggling that only Paige and Emily have been roofied on this show. Truly mind-boggling. Aria is dressed in the exact outfit she would wear to cat-burgle and her new boyfriend is dressed like Toby’s secret fashion ideas Pinterest board.
Riley says, “Want to go get some killer pancakes?” And Aria Montgomery, who should know by now that when someone says “killer pancakes” they mean literal poison inside those fluffy pastries two out of three times, she goes with him.
Hanna and Emily are the only two Liars still operating under the delusion that attendance is required to graduate from Rosewood High (and, frankly, that they are going to live long enough to graduate from Rosewood High). At school, they peep Mona and Mike fighting about the under-porch candlelight dinner he was preparing for her and how dare she bail on him when he spent three hours cleaning out empty Cheetos bags and red coats out from under the house. They assume it’s Ezra who orchestrated the breakup and for some reason, this, above all other things, sets Emily off. Like, whatever, spy on them for years, never intervene to save their lives, fuck up Aria’s brain for possibly ever, but break up Mike and Mona? How dare you, sir!
So she marches to Fitz’s classroom and shoves her homework in his face and says, “If you could pass this along to a grown man who doesn’t exploit teenage girls, that’d be grand.” She marches back out as he calls after her, “No such man exists in this town!”