“Pretty Little Liars” recap (4.19): Kiss Me Deadly

The phone rings in Spencer’s bedroom where she’s just trying to get some sleep (in her waking dream!) and it is of course Mona Vanderwaal. She’s got Spencer’s favorite blonde package in apartment 3B, and Spencer’d better scurry on downtown before she poisons her to death with Ezra’s special juice blend. So Spencer does.

It’s the middle of the night but Mona is wearing a sparkly, strapless evening gown, just wandering around Ezra’s pad, ’cause that’s how she motherfucking rolls so deal with it. Hanna isn’t tied up or in danger or anything; she’s just sitting on the couch looking pissed. Ezra only brought her there so he could bring Spencer there so he could menace her some more about how she’s cracking up. He says she won’t accuse him of being A because she doesn’t know for sure that she’s A because she’s not as smart as she thinks she is. And also, “You can’t kill true love, honey!” Mona snickers at that, not in a sycophantic way, but in like a, “Shit, I’m glad my adrenalized hyperreality wasn’t confined to the ’40s where women were nothing more than the basic bitches of clowns like these.” Hanna takes the carrot from the cocktail Mona offers her as she and Spencer are scootin’ on out the door and Mona flips around like, “Well, we’re all out of chickpeas — again.”

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Janel Parish really was born for this job.

On the drive home, Hanna wonders again what the heck is wrong with men. Scientifically speaking, are their brains all whack because hats suck the blood up into their heads? For sure, hats are what cause baldness. Spencer lets her prattle for a second before telling her she found out that the phone number on Ali’s stack of dollar bills is for the Fitzgerald Arts Foundation and she’s wondering if Hanna can use her job as a switchboard operator to trace Ali’s phone number from her call to Ezra['s mom].

Aria and Paige are hanging out in the powder room talking about cameras and tomboys, like you do.

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Aria: So you roll your film into here and then twist all these buttons and knobs and then focus with this thing and hold it like that and click this button and then take your film to the drug store and it’ll be ready for you in a week.
Paige: You ever think one day we might live in a world where our telephones take photos that are developed instantly for the world to see?
Aria: What a silly idea! A world like that, I’ll bet coffee costs five dollars a cup!
Paige: Anyway, thanks for letting me borrow your camera. Emily and I will take lots of photos on our canoe trip down the Delaware Water Gap.
Aria: Huh. I didn’t even know Emily was into water gaps.
Paige: Oh, she’s not! She — wait, what?
Aria: Lord, the water gaps I used to swim. I was like a little beaver.
Paige: You’re not like a little beaver anymore?
Aria: No, although I do sometimes kill beavers to make my fashions.
Paige: Is this code for something gay?
Aria: I think it’s code for Spencer’s latent lesbian curiosity.

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