Hanna runs into Spencer skittering up the street mumbling to herself about boysenberries and wastes no time confronting her about her twitchiness. She knows she was lying about not being home yesterday, knows she’s lying about how she’s not investigating, knows she’s lying about having a headache, knows she’s lying about how she’s slept any hours at all in the last week. Remember when Spencer shrieked at Mrs. D in The Brew that day? It’s like that but worse when she roars, “GET OFF MY NUTS, HANNA” and zooms on down the road. Holbrook witnesses this because he is following Hanna around town like a Lucas. He tries to talk to her about it but she tells him to bugger off.
On Shana’s orders from Ali’s orders, Emily drops by the DiLuarentis’ to root around in Ali’s room. “Luckily” for her, she spent many a week sleeping in this bedroom that was twice occupied by girls she loved, so Jessica D is happy to let her in. She pretends to have lost an earring or something, and Mrs. D is like, “Sweetheart, I clean this room three, maybe four times a day; if there was any random jewelry in here, I would have found it.” She swops out in a gloriously bonaners puff of smoke to go check downstairs while Emily rips the French twins poster off the wall and locates the thousands of dollars in cash Ali hid inside—which she promptly takes to work and deposits into a sack of coffee because no noodle boxes are handy. Shana calls and says she’ll come by and pick up the money after her swim meet because she does not know that she is going to get murdered by Paige McCullers by nightfall.
Murder cAbin. Aria returns home from taking photos to find Ezra cooking vegetable tagine (which of COURSE he would) and Aria calls it “A Night in Tunisa” (which of COURSE she would) but the problem is that Ezra wants to substitute chickpeas for lamb but he’s out of chickpeas. Aria says she’ll run out for some, even though it’ll take a damn hour, and Ezra thanks her so sweetly and sends her on her way and opens up the cabinet to reveal … chickpeas. I don’t want to oversell this, but it’s the greatest television sequence involving canned vegetables in the history of ever. The camera is like, “Chickpeas! Can you believe this motherfucker!” And the music is like, “Well, look who’s a little satan.” Ezra carries that can of chickpeas down into his lair under the floorboards where he studies every move the Liars have made in the last 24 hours due to the CCTV he has installed on Rosewood’s one street and/or the PI he has hired to follow their every move. (Wherein PI = Tippi the Bird wingcam, obviously.)
He takes off and carjacks Shana Costumeshop—who has one glorious moment of swagging down the street right into the wind before her death, at least—and change clothes a hundred times and drink some Board Shorts Ale and eat some pie and sit in his car and stare at Aria on his cAbin cAm. He also gets an alert that someone is hanging out in the hallway in front of his apartment, and that is correct, and it is Spencer. And Hanna. Who found followed her in from the street and is about to lose her mind because she doesn’t want them to lose their teeth so stop it, Hastings. Spencer says OK, OK, sure, she’ll stop. No problem. She’s been doping, is all. Academic doping. There’s nothing to see here, nothing at friendly Mr. Fitz’s apartment. They should just shut their mouths and walk home as absolutely fast as possible.
As soon as they get there, they call Emily and Spencer explains that a camera outside Ezra’s apartment was watching their every move, like every other camera all over the world that has been watching their every move, and who do they know that has absolute control of all cameras and satellites and GPSes and also the ocean tides? It’s A.
Aria wakes up to find Ezra missing, but that cat has changed his clothes again to pajamas, and he says he was just locking the back door.
Ali returns to her phone booth to call Shana, who is mercifully alive, but has been drugged and driven to the edge of town where the Rosewood population sign informs her that she should leave now and never come back. That’s just what she tells Ali she’s going to do. Damn, man. I was really, really starting to be into that girl. Come back for Halloween, lady. There’s always a place for you at the costume shop. Out of cash and out of time, Ali hops her super sad self onto a midnight bus that I think is finally taking her back to Rosewood for good. She is so alone and so sad and so scared and so vulnerable and such a child. I hope she rips out someone’s spleen on that bus so the world will tilt back to it’s original position.
The Risen Mitten is watching Dark Passage, a noir film about how Humphrey Bogart gets a head transplant so he can escape from the authorities who think he murdered his wife, but this Mona prototype who was totally in love with his wife keeps dogging his steps, so he has to leave everything and flee to Peru, but that turns out OK for him because Lauren Bacall follows him there and everything is 100 percent better with Lauren Bacall. Anyway, The Mitten opens up a package and drops it on his desk and it’s definitely prescription pads from Dr. Wren Kingston. Hashtag poisoned sports cream. Hashtag poisoned Ritalin. Hashtag poisoned heart pills. Hashtag the black and white TV event of the century.
The best of all thank yous to my screencapping partner Maggie (@MargaretRosey) who never fails to capture Spencer’s messy ponytails at their most glorious moments.