“Pretty Little Liars” recap (4.18): The Pie and the Beer

Emily is waiting on Shana in front of the school and when she pulls up, Emily accosts her. She wants them to team up and combine their hotness to petition the lesbian goddesses who rule this town to make it safe for Ali to come home. But Shana Costumeshop will not be deterred from the directive issued to her by Alison herself. Emily had her chance! She ruined it! She broke the first rule of Secret Meetings Club (don’t tell Spencer about Secret Meetings Club)! Now, if she wants to meet up later and start some kind of after school homosexy fanfiction club, that is negotiable. But she’s not putting Emily back in touch with Alison.

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I think Aria blows off Hanna’s plan to spy on Spencer to see what she’s spying on, but I can’t be sure because Aria is wearing a full size golden pigeon around her neck that has a look of shock and horror on its sad birdie face which makes me know she bronzed that thing alive. They lie to each other about their grown-ass adult male boyfriends, is really the only thing I know about this scene. And that bird.

Spencer lurks around the courtyard, staring down the potential valedictorian table to see who’s popping pills. The first person she spies is a girl named Brenda whom we’ve never met before but I love her immediately. Spencer tries a line about how her prescription for Adderall is in her dad’s briefcase but he’ll be back from Out of Town in a few days —no, really, Brenda, stop laughing, they love me now, they live at my house with me — so if she could just borrow two, maybe five pills, that’d be great. Brenda hands them over and asks for $50 and Spencer gets indignant like, “What is this, some kind of hoagie shop?” (No, girl, I do take Adderrall, legitimately with an actual prescription, but the only thing you’ll find at my shop is unconditional love for you that is absolutely free. Now, put on some pants, we need to talk about Boo Radley.) Anyway, Brenda is like, “I am so sure your horse-owning ass can’t afford fifty bucks.” Spencer forks it over.

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Things go from weird to weirder when Ezra jumps her in the hall and asks why she copied half of her last essay from Wackopedia. In the interest of her GPA and not because he wants to chop her up into pieces/keep her from investigating him any further, he suggests three hours of personal tutoring every afternoon and she suggests he suck her dick. It’s wonderful. It’s so wonderful. He’s taking the student/teacher power dynamic to a place he knows will hit her hardest and she’s like, “Fuck you, I’ll take the grade.” His face can’t believe what his ears are hearing, but Spencer resolved herself a long time ago to the fact that she was going to end up living off Toby’s construction worker millions, so whatever, man.

She goes home and seals herself inside her room again, researching Ezra in every possible way she can think of until Hanna calls to interrupt her, asking for help organizing her closet. What she is really doing is sitting outside with Emily using binoculars to peek in on Spencer’s Scooby doings. Spence lies and says she’s at the library, lies and says she’s gotta rework Fitz’s essay, lies lies lies her pretty little face off. It’s dead end after dead end for her investigating until she changes “Fitz” to “Fitzgerald” in her internet searches and lands on hundreds of incriminating website pages.

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Outside, Emily feels extra bored with the stakeout until she and Hanna spot Shana creeping out of the DiLaurentis place. I still have no sense of how this town is laid out except that literally every house is in every other house’s backyard, so it’s a wonder there’s ever any room for anyone to park with all the cars spying on all the houses all the time. It takes about six seconds for Emily to work herself up into a paranoid frenzy about how Shana and Mrs. D are in Georgia cahoots with each other, so much so that she wants Hanna to follow Shana. But Hanna is not following anyone! She doesn’t care about Shana and frankly she made her peace with Ali’s ghost in an empty chair in Dr. Annabeth Gish‘s office a long time ago, so she doesn’t care about her either! What she cares about is Emily, and how Emily’s teeth are going to get ripped out of her head if she keeps this shit up!

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