“Pretty Little Liars” recap (4.17): “Act normal, bitch!”

Emily, who is too scared to drive her own car, is just hanging out in the bowels of her high school all by herself in the middle of the night, making copies for Ezra, when the literal school comes to life and attacks her! I know that seems like one of those things I make up for dramatic effect, but I am telling you the whole truth! The doors and shutters start opening and closing on their own, some death metal starts blaring from the loudspeaker like another Satanic fashion show, poisonous gas spills in from the air vents, the desks and chairs clatter around like so many metal spiders, the marquee literally spells out “Act normal, bitch!” and of course A tries to break down the door with a flamethrower in his/her hands. Emily loses her goddamn mind. Not like the time she almost got sawed up in a box. Not like the time she got trapped in a barn. Not like the time she got GLASS IN HER HAIR or Cousin Nate pulled Paige out of that closet or the police foundĀ another dead girlfriend in Ali’s backyard. I mean, her mind leaks out of her ears, is how messed up she gets.

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She calls Papa Fields to come and rescue her and he senses that she is so close to death that he scales the wall and breaks a window and carries her down to the ground to safety on his back like a spider monkey. Aaaaaand then he collapses and almost dies, because hey, guess what? He didn’t come home from Army because a car drove through the living room and nearly crushed poor old Pam to death; he came home from Army because he’s got Exploding Heart Syndrome. But don’t worry. Only high stress situations will kill him.

When the Liars meet up at Aria’s house, Spencer and Emily wrap each other up in the tightest, most relieved embrace ever shared by two women on this earth. Spencer says, “Please don’t send me away” and that’s when I also developed Exploding Heart Syndrome.

It takes them a few minutes to share their respective tales (attacked by another building, time-traveling third-party flashbacks, drugged into unconsciousness by a fake dentist, broke a picture frame, etc.) before they realize that Hanna has received a message from A. The one in her teeth. It’s like, “I made you a necklace out of teeth, in case you forgot. Don’t fuck up your smiles with your snooping.”

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The Risen Mitten shreds the dental records of Ali and C. Cavenaugh. Shreds them right onto a little tray. Shreds them right onto a little tray and totes the tray over to a cage and slides it into the bottom and Tippi the Bird sings her thanks. TIPPI THE BIRD! “Board Shorts, Board Shorts, I missed you, I love you, Grunwald, Grunwald, Can a sister get some chicken?” My darling, darling bird, mama will get you anything you want.

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My screencapping partner Margaret deserves all your love and affection. Follow her on Twitter and download her caps here.

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