“Pretty Little Liars” recap (4.17): “Act normal, bitch!”

 
 

The other three Liars … I don’t actually know where to start. All three things are so exceptional and terrifying. Let’s just go with Spencer first. Spencer decides that one of Ali’s ciphered diary entries is about Board Shorts, who attended Hollis College at the time that she was doing him, which was when she was, no shit, like 15 years old. OK, so Spencer, looking more and more like a zombie every second, decides to hit up a pub over near Hollis to do some Scoobying.

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The place is called like Grave Concoctions or something, I don’t know, but as soon as Spencer walks in the door, she sees ol’ Ezra Fitz enjoying a quiet dinner alone.  He’s like, “…hey?” And she’s like, “…hey?” And they stare at each other for an awkward longness that exceeds even that time Spencer jumped in his car in the school parking lot uninvited back in season one. When the server walks by, Ezra goes, “Hey, uh, cancel the rest of my order, that one thing I ordered, if you know what I mean, and don’t say what it is out loud, bye.” And he runs out of there as fast as his little legs will carry him, leaving half a piece of uneaten boysenberry pie in his wake. The server comes back and gives Spencer the rest of Ezra’s order, which is just a beer, because he already paid for it and frankly Spencer looks like she could use a little liquid libation for relaxation.

Only, guys. It’s not just a beer the server hands Spencer. It’s a beer called Board Shorts Ale. BOARD SHORTS ALE. As in, “Tippi wants a cracker, I love you, hello, Where the fuck is Board Shorts, Board Shorts Board Shorts Board Shorts, phone number of a seer hiding in the walls of a sorority house.” Spencer flashes back to a story Ali wrote in her diary and it goes:

Ezra and Ali are sitting together on these bar stools at Grave Concoctions and she’s not even old enough to have a learner’s permit for driving a car and he’s reading some stories she’s written and telling her what a promising writer she is and she’s mocking him for eating boysenberry pie with Board Shorts Ale and then she’s eating his pie without asking and he’s not slapping her hand for some reason and then they are full-on making out! HOLY BALLS.

HOLY.

BALLS.

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I mean, we knew it. But now our eyeballs know it. I feel like that time when JennaBot got her sockets magicked down in the basement of Rosewood General.

The next insane thing is that Hanna decides to hit up the dentist to sleuth around and see if she can figure out how the girl who was buried in Ali’s coffin had teeth that matched Ali’s teeth. I’d forgotten Hanna’s dentist is Shaun’s dad and that the dental hygienist is Shaun’s mom, but I am so glad that’s true because it means we get to hear the lady say Shaun is coming home from boarding school soon even though he’s done so good with the ladies there, which: I am so sure! That guy is gayer then Mona! OK, no. Not that gay. But 80 percent as gay as Mona. Shit, Mona probably worked out a thing with Shaun to date Hanna for life so Hanna would never have any dudes to sleep with. What a bearding scheme! And gay Lucas too! Remember how A taped all those hundreds of noodle dollars to the paper towels in the bathroom so Hanna would dance with Lucas at that school fundraiser? That was when A was Mona! So many homosexual cahoots!

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What was I talking about? Oh, right. The dentist. So Shaun’s mom leaves Hanna alone for a minute and Hanna goes snooping through the closet looking for dental records and what she finds, I think, is a list of people whose teeth were examined the same day as dead Ali’s teeth. One of those mouths of teeth belonged to C. Cavenaugh, which isn’t Toby’s mom (that’s Marian Cavenaugh) but something sinister is afoot and my guess is that it involves: Jessica DiLaurentis, Peter Hastings, and a Radley rooftop.

Hanna doesn’t have time to piece the puzzle together, though, because A breaks into the dentist’s office, drugs her to sleep, and implants a message in the enamel of her actual tooth. A MESSAGE IN HER TOOTH. Sorry, Ella’s bumble bee attack, there’s a new fucking creepiest thing in town … for now.

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