As the Liars head off into The Forbidden Forest to test their own mortality once more, Ezra Fitzgerald calls upon Mrs. Marin in her home, playing the teacher card for the first time in his life in a way that is somehow creepier than anything else he’s done. He weaves a duplicitous yarn about how he needs to start seeing Hanna a couple of hours a week to tutor her, but really he’s just there to rifle through her teenage girl things. He’s clearly hired someone to call Ashley and keep her busy talking about real estate stuff and as soon as she’s on the phone, Ezra tip-toes upstairs and dumps out Hanna’s purse and legit scoffs at the copy of The Tempest in there. Then he opens up her laptop which is of course not password protected and reads through all her junk at his leisure. By the time Ashley gets off the phone, he’s just sitting sweetly in a chair reading his own book. Ooooh, he’s makin’ my skin craaawwwwl.
On their road trip, the Liars try to talk about Ali’s journal while Hanna keeps cranking up the music, much to Emily’s furrowed-brow chagrin. Every time Hanna does it, she whips her head over there like, “… the fuck, Marin??” Spencer has the foresight to photograph the pages of the diary but then she gets car sick (just like Aria told her she would!) so she’s forced to hand over the book to Suzy Clueless who can’t even manage not to not roll her own eyeballs when Ali compliments her street style. Spencer tries to ask about a missing page in the diary but no one hears her over the sound of Hanna up there in the front seat going “JUST A SMALL TOWN GIRL, LIVING IN A LONELY WORLD, SHE TOOK THE HALLOWEEN TRAIN GOING AAAAANNNNYYYYWHERE.” Doesn’t matter anyway. They’re obviously going to die.
Yep, there it is. The GPS that was one time hacked by a talking doll that who sent Emily to her own death in barn — whoa. Whoa. WHOA. Wait a second. Ali told Emily she saved her life twice, right? The one time it was for sure her was when she pulled her from the fire at the Lost Woods Resort, right? She flew her plane on down into the carrot patch and carried all the Liars to safety. Was the second time when Emily got carbon monoxide poisoned in that barn when she was out looking for Dr. Ann and her brown Tory Burch boots? Was that real? And the making out afterwards? What the shit, ALISON.
What was I even talking about. That’s right. The GPS. So the GPS takes them off the road onto some little unpaved side path and then the BEAUTIFUL TOYOTA betrays us all and shuts itself down. Hanna texts Travis to come get them in his tow truck but because a tornado is about to swoop down and carry them all off to God knows where — Noel Kahn’s Rustic Hideaway for Endangered Bisexual Women of Color, probably — Aria decides they should just hike on up to Ezra’s cabin, the address of which is stored in Google Maps on her phone and the key of which is on her keychain. She says it’s her uncle’s place and these girls just follow her deeper into the forest like a bunch of dummies.
How many cabins do y’all have to be murdered in before you stop going to cabins? I mean, just off the top of my head, Hanna drowned Lucas at Spencer’s Nana’s cabin, they were nearly burned alive at that Lost Woods cabin, Paige was kidnapped and almost garrotted by Cousin Nate at a cabin, Emily had to stab a guy to death with his own pocket knife at a cabin, Emily gave her face to a strange man at a cabin, Jenna was almost murdered at Paige’s aunt’s cabin, Aria and Spencer were attacked by the windows and doors in Noel Kahn’s cabin. Enough effin’ cabins!
Inside Ezria’s Love ShAck, Aria freaks out any time anyone touches anything at all. It’s so weird Spencer has to be like, “Look, I’m rich. I’m not going to steal any of your uncle’s light bulbs.” One good thing is that Hanna finally comes clean about the missing diary page. It turns out she was the one Ali called The Cradle Robber because she made out with Mikey Montgomery one time. You know how Ali played it: Called her hefty, told her Aria was going to hate her if she ever found out, promised her she’d one day find someone to love her fat ass even if it took her longer than the other girls. You know, just sewing the seeds of shame that could destroy a soul. A regular old Tuesday in the life of Alison DiLaurentis.
Hanna cries her way through the story and then Aria goes, “Honey, for starters, I want to high five Mike because you are absolutely the hottest person he’s ever going to make out with. And also, do you seriously think I, of all people, am going to judge you for a little May/December sexual high jinks?” The Liars suggest that maybe what she’s really upset about is Caleb but she runs out the door talking about “phone service!” because if she starts crying about that, she might not stop. Emily chases her outside because she’s familiar with this scene and you may have heard it sometimes ends with her killing a guy.