Spencer and Toby hit up the lady in charge of the legal stuff at the company that owns Radley, and Spencer stares at her so hard and says the word “Internet” about a hundred times and finally the lady agrees to issue an apology to the Cavanaugh family for paying a police officer to change a report about a patient at an asylum 20 years ago that was hurled from her bedroom window rather than jumping of her own accord.
Hanna returns home from meeting with the AU!Liars to find Mrs. D offering her mom a job down at the old DiLaurentis real estate office, Haunted Properties, LLC. Ashley is ecstatic. Hanna is skeptical, especially when Jessica is like, “Oh, isn’t this grand! Ali will be so glad! Last night I was giving her a bath in my dreams and she mentioned to me that your mother needs a job. Well, I knew just what to do. The people in this town are so weird and unforgiving when it comes to murderers.” Hanna thinks that’s rock bottom for the day but that’s because she doesn’t know what’s going to happen next, which is: Caleb getting squirrelley with her and saying “it’s complicated” three thousand times because he has to go back to Ravenswood. It’s kind of bonkers that he doesn’t just straight up come out and say, “My best friend is a ghost and I also keep getting myself murdered.” Like it’d be such a stretch for Hanna to wrap her mind-grapes around that scenario.
Over at the Hastings’, Peter comes home for a record second night in a row to find Toby fawning over Spencer even more than usual. He’s like, “Mr. Hastings, your daughter is so dang smart!” And Peter is all, “Well, she’s not Melissa smart, but yeah, she’s pretty good at figuring out most stuff.”
Then Toby does that thing. You know the thing. Like, your person, your best friend, your partner, your girlfriend, your wife. Your person listens to all your inane ruminations and rants and raves and obsessions because that’s what they do. But that’s your person. The other people in your life, they don’t care about that shit. No one wants to hear you talk about, like, what you hated about the latest issue of Batwoman for 55 hours straight, but your person will do it because they love you best. But you can’t go into your person’s parents’ house and start in on some kind of arcane diatribe about Batwoman because your person’s parents do not give a shit.
Except when Toby explains his whole mom storyline, Peter super gives a shit. In fact, he suggests a way to make this storyline last another full half-season: How about getting Radley’s parent company to just shut Radley down? (Andy Reaser wants me to tell you his joke he didn’t think of in time to make it into the #BooRadleyVanCullen tweets last night: “I want to see Radley taken apart, doll by doll!”) (I LOL-ed.) Toby thinks it’s a great idea. Spencer thinks her dad has six layers of ulterior motives in tearing that place down. Also, she hasn’t quite given up the dream of another ghostly waltz with Ali, if you want to know the truth.
Aria and Ezra meet up in the town square and he asks if she wants to drive somewhere creepy as fuck with him and she’s like, “Duh, that’s the whole premise of this show.” So they go to a cabin in the woods where phone and internets and iPads and stuff don’t work at all. Last time a Liar did that, Paige McCullers ended up bound and gagged inside a closet and Emily stabbed a fake cousin to death on top of a lighthouse. Sadly, Ezra and Aria just confess their love and hook up. But happily, as Aria looks out the window afterwards and ponders how to break this news to Kung Fu Jake without really telling him anything at all, Ezra sneeky-glances down to this secret floorboard compartment where he’s definitely hiding body parts like Mona said he was!
AU!Hanna shows up at The Brew and Emily almost smashes her in the noggin with a kettle of boiling water before remembering this is just what happens when she meets women: They chase her down and try to marry her. AU!Hanna has a lot of guilt. Emily-sized guilt.
AU!Hanna: Before AU!Ali died, I wanted her to die.
Emily: I feel you.
AU!Hanna: No, like sometimes at therapy I get hypnotized into believing I walloped her in the face with a shovel and I like it.
Emily: No, really, I feel you.
AU!Hanna: If I ever found out she was still really alive, I think it might make me act like a for real asshole to the people I love most.
Emily: Dude, seriously. I know.
AU!Hanna: Because I loved AU!Ali but I also just really fucking hated her guts.